Tired

A combination of lack of sleep, rushing about and bad diet are catching up on me, I`m feeling worn out (I actually forgot to post my nieces birthday card in time as sometimes the days and weeks seem to merge into each other).

I don`t enjoy food anymore and tend to eat when my stomach starts to audibly rumble or I start to feel slightly giddy and then it`s a quick fix from Greggs the bakers in the form of a doughnut to get the old blood sugar up. I even resorted to readymeals for a while but couldn`t be bothered eating a whole one and they`re too expensive to keep on ending up in the dogs.

Thinking about it I live on a diet of coffee, sugar, multivitamins and cigarettes. I used to worry about the smoking, always trying to cut down, now I don`t give a toss. Late last year a doctor said the heavy smoking would shorten my life "yeah, I know" I said with a smile.

Yo-yo

One step forewords and five back, I`ll have a day that isn`t too bad then crash down again. I`d been so busy lately that the usual chaos at home had turned to mayhem (kids are off school and college for 2 weeks), so decided to have a day at home doing a tidy. Actually it`s my room that`s worst, cd`s, books, mags, dvd`s everywhere (my nocturnal time passers), I couldn`t find my boots the other morning under it all.

In the middle of my clear up a song came on the cd, ouch, I looked at Cliffs photos and that was it. I was always a bit of a daydreamer but now an hour passes in an instant and there I am stuck to the spot, staring at his picture crying again.

The song, it reminds me of those lazy Sunday mornings, "Nip down and get us a coffee" he`d say, so it was the coffee I usually spilt on the bed. From Aqualung here`s a more recent version of this pretty song.

Battle of the sexes

I`m guilty of making huge sweeping generalities, this one has nothing to do with what people look like, how rich or poor, intelligent or not, this gripe is purely about gender (sfb can be excluded from this). I`ll probably insult both sexes but in my experience (as all people are not the same), men are by far the most sensitive of the sexes and women can be very ruthless. Perhaps it`s due to the feminist thing that women feel they have to be tough but they`ve not only won equality but have lost something along the way.

An example, on Friday I had virtually the same conversation with two people, the first a woman around my age, I was talking about how I was feeling and her advice was to put on some lippy and go out and flirt to cheer myself up (I thought she was mad), the second was a man covered in tattoos and piercings who said not to worry or rush things. One example but not a one off.

I can`t remember the last time I had a full nights sleep and after a busy week there I was sitting having my new tattoo done (I love daisies and instead of taking flowers to the cemetery to wither I have my own special flowers for Cliffy), the tingly feeling is very relaxing and I almost dozed off.

A glimpse of the old me

Yesterday a woman I know was viewing what was branded as an adhesive bra (chicken fillets), I`d never seen a pair of those in reality so was into the box in a flash, ugh, cold, slimey and gooey, very unpleasant feeling I told her. And as she screwed her face up I couldn`t resist and went to squidge one in her face and yesss, she squealed, loudly, TOO EASY, you`re just a big kid she said, so maybe there`s hope for me yet.

I miss having fun, I don`t want to be one of those people who takes life oh so seriously, doesn`t really get you anywhere except that laughter lines turn to wrinkles. I need to laugh more despite how I`m feeling inside.

Talking of being taken seriously, last year for one of the meetings I had with some nhs bigwigs I decided to look the part, heels (short people are at a disadvantage straightaway),  black dressy trousers and jacket, hair pulled up so it looked like one of those hair do`s that wouldn`t move an inch in a wind tunnel and even make-up. I looked in the mirror and thought "that isn`t me, that wont do at all", so pulled on my jeans and a t-shirt, mules, shook my head to release hair and wiped the crap off my face, much better, I hate people trying to be something they`re not.

I`m not a huge Kinks fan but the words here are rather apt, who`d want life to be that boring.

Light relief

After the somewhat gloomy last posting I thought I`d have an ahhhh moment with this so so cute wee guy, look at his face when she stops, it`s another of those clips that the girls find and call me through to see.

Spilling beans

I can talk about Cliff to people no problem but when it comes to his illness I feel choked and have hold back emotion, when it comes to how I feel I can`t really talk freely at all as I`d start blubbing and I hate crying in public, totally undignified and something to store up untill I`m on my own, that`s why I wanted someone neutral to spill the beans to. But surely this is a very public platform, yes but here I can say what I want, when I want and no-one sees the tears, red eyes and runny nose.

One of the reasons I was so angry at the medical profession was that they robbed us of a proper goodbye, they promised they could control the symptoms enough for Cliff to live a reasonable life for several months, what they didn`t mention was that this was guesswork, pure assumption. So we tried to keep our spirits up, no need to dwell on the outcome just yet, we had a bit of time. But within days we were told the end was imminent and at that point liver failure had begun. Liver failure effects, speech, memory and reasoning and although always fully conscious it was too late, my Cliffy was trapped in a body that was shutting down.

There were brief moments when he came back, I saw in his eyes but only minutes here an there just enough time for promises to be made, both of us asked for something but not the goodbye either of us would have wanted. One of the hardest things was part of me wanted his suffering to stop, for him to escape but the other didn`t want him to go, I wanted to keep him forever. He didn`t want to go and in his words "fought like a bastard", even on the morning he died, with a little help from me, he managed to get himself out of bed and onto the sofa next to it, he was a very determinned individual and he wanted to sit there not lie about in bed.

Sometimes I think about what we`d be doing if he were here, think it wasn`t meant to be like this, he was far too young to die and the years ahead feel like a prison sentence. I miss him, of course I want him back but that`s never going to happen. One of the last things I said to him before he left the house was to keep my side warm as I wouldn`t be long. I`m not suicidal, I love my kids and would never do that to them but I hope I`m not too long, I don`t really want to be here anymore, I want to be with Cliffy, the worlds very monochrome without him.

Weekends

I used to love weekends they were always fun, now they are just more days to fill. On a pension and someone who lives very modestly I could have spent the rest of my life sitting on my backside but in a life that now feels so meaningless I decided to do something worthwhile.

Paid jobs in the charity sector usually require graduates, I left education after A levels and after a couple of years doing spreadsheets I never really wanted to sit behind a desk again. So for now I`m a volunteer, manual, tiring and best of all worthwhile, plus I get to work weekends so less time to think and dwell.

I`d received some birthday money from Mum, it was going to go in the new guttering fund but she insisted it was to be spent on me not the house. I hate buying things for me, never know what I want but yesterday after a day of sorting and carrying, I decided my left arm looked rather bare so on my way home popped into see young Dan (the kids tell me off for adding the prefix young to anyone under around 30)  So I`m booked in for new tattoo on Friday, they`re lovely in there and Dan doesn`t mind my constant chattering.

After grabbing a sandwich I settled down to watch Brief Encounter, the kids hate it because "Nothing happens", "But the atmosphere, the bit where she says goodbye from the train, the romance", I say but no the kids have none of my sentiment which is maybe a good thing in a world full of sharp edges.