Decided I needed to get out of the house in the evenings so had a girly night out with a couple of the girls from work as a sort of entertainment thing was on. A lot of the women were flirting with the entertainer as he cracked his jokes but we thought he looked a bit like a younger version of Elton John, except with a mullet haircut and he was wearing those silly long pointed shoes the shops are full of that curl up at the toes and make people look like Sideshow Bob.
The two girls chatter away as much as me and we had a good laugh ( they`re my age so "girls" is stretching reality a bit but sometimes being a grown-up is dull as dishwater!!). Strangely all three of us have lost husbands, my manager who`s husband was also a biker died when she was only in her thirties so we kinda "understand" each other.
Another woman I hadn`t seen for months pinged out of nowhere and gave me a hug saying she thought I was looking a lot better than last time we met. I still think I look haggard but maybe not quite so much, smiling more helps but still being up and about at this time, 2.45am, doesn`t. I still hate going to bed, it`s all big, cold and empty.
Saturday, 4 June 2011
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Comments
Sorry I`ve not being answering comments lately, I`m unable to comment as each time I try it asks for log in, then starts to go round in circles, seems a cache.cookie or browser problem according to other bloggers so will be trying to sort it out.
As for seagulls, my little town in clip used to have seagull egg removals as the vast amount of droppings were coating buildings.
Also I appreciate support re how I`m doing, job etc given in comments. I`ve worked in retail before, loved my customers but sometimes when things became slow it got a bit tedious but this is so varied and the shops always busy with either customers or donations arriving. I was chatting to an old academic gentleman the other day, he was on the hunt for any books to do with Bletchley Park.
"Are you from Somerset" he asked in a thick Eire accent (I was a bit dumbfounded at that one??!!). When I told him where I was from we got onto the Scottish education system which from experience I must say is far better than in England. In Scotland the kids had nightly reading homework, with diarys so parents could comment on how things were going, any concerns etc with the teacher adding her thoughts alongside. Basically the kids got lots of reading practise with fewer falling through the net and ending up leaving school with literacy problems.
On the other hand when I started secondary school back in the 1970`s it was all a bit daunting. An ex grammer school, very formal, with dark oak panelling, huge prizewinners boards dominating the staircases and teachers with black cloaks and mortar board hats peering over large wooden desks. We sat in rows, alphabetical order and in silence, anyone who`s had a short, thick three pronged leather belt whacked down on their hands will realise why.
These days my daughter says half the lesson is spent with the teacher trying to get the kids to sit down and pay attention, those who wonder out of lesson and/or school are chased by security with walky-talkies (health and safety issue more than educational, as school would be sued if say they were run over during school hours).
Is it the parents or the teachers who perhaps have given up due to the stress of it all (little teaching, handouts are now the norm). Is it children having children, or even that when I had my kids discipline was almost frowned upon, my own experience of softly softly didn`t work, the old saying "give them an inch" is more than true.
Personally I think there needs to be balance, you shouldn`t dread going to school but neither should it be a playground where you sit and text your friends in other classrooms
Oops!! I only meant to say thanks to my supporters but once I start to waffle on!
As for seagulls, my little town in clip used to have seagull egg removals as the vast amount of droppings were coating buildings.
Also I appreciate support re how I`m doing, job etc given in comments. I`ve worked in retail before, loved my customers but sometimes when things became slow it got a bit tedious but this is so varied and the shops always busy with either customers or donations arriving. I was chatting to an old academic gentleman the other day, he was on the hunt for any books to do with Bletchley Park.
"Are you from Somerset" he asked in a thick Eire accent (I was a bit dumbfounded at that one??!!). When I told him where I was from we got onto the Scottish education system which from experience I must say is far better than in England. In Scotland the kids had nightly reading homework, with diarys so parents could comment on how things were going, any concerns etc with the teacher adding her thoughts alongside. Basically the kids got lots of reading practise with fewer falling through the net and ending up leaving school with literacy problems.
On the other hand when I started secondary school back in the 1970`s it was all a bit daunting. An ex grammer school, very formal, with dark oak panelling, huge prizewinners boards dominating the staircases and teachers with black cloaks and mortar board hats peering over large wooden desks. We sat in rows, alphabetical order and in silence, anyone who`s had a short, thick three pronged leather belt whacked down on their hands will realise why.
These days my daughter says half the lesson is spent with the teacher trying to get the kids to sit down and pay attention, those who wonder out of lesson and/or school are chased by security with walky-talkies (health and safety issue more than educational, as school would be sued if say they were run over during school hours).
Is it the parents or the teachers who perhaps have given up due to the stress of it all (little teaching, handouts are now the norm). Is it children having children, or even that when I had my kids discipline was almost frowned upon, my own experience of softly softly didn`t work, the old saying "give them an inch" is more than true.
Personally I think there needs to be balance, you shouldn`t dread going to school but neither should it be a playground where you sit and text your friends in other classrooms
Oops!! I only meant to say thanks to my supporters but once I start to waffle on!
Open book
Here I am surrounded by rolling hills and thatched cottage villages at every turn, it`s lovely but on browsing You tube I found the two things I miss about home or should I say my former home.
The sea, although I don`t miss those freezing biting winds that stung the fingers, toes and ears despite being well wrapped up in winter woollies.
The sea, although I don`t miss those freezing biting winds that stung the fingers, toes and ears despite being well wrapped up in winter woollies.
And those wide open spaces just a few miles inland.
I won`t be moving back but whether I stay here or move on is a bit of an open book.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Doing something right
I must be doing something right as I found out yesterday that the charity is paying for me to do NVQ`s in retail. I did find it slightly amusing and ironic that I, someone who disapproves of the consumer society which has overtaken and gobbled up most of our traditional industries, (far too many old works sites turned into supermarkets or indoor shopping centres), that I am going to end up a shopping expert (tongue in cheek at "expert").
I`m actually very pleased, something else to get my teeth into and if it helps the charity I`m chuffed. I did sneak a look at the sales figures and mine were way higher than anyone else's (did i mention I love to WIN and in winning all forms of modesty go whizzing out the window!!).
I`m also very pleased that my youngest daughter has asked to help with the children's hospice fundraising. Tomorrow at school they have a celebration day to mark the end of most of their gcse`s. They get to wear fancy dress, outdoor buffet/party, free ice cream van etc. So she and her friends are heading off to school tomorrow, dressed as Robin Hood and his merry men, armed with lots of info, posters and collecting tins.
Why quite so much charity work, because it`s given me a purpose, without it all I could think of was "what the hells the point", I felt like an oxygen waster. Now at least my small contribution may be helping someone somewhere.
I`m actually very pleased, something else to get my teeth into and if it helps the charity I`m chuffed. I did sneak a look at the sales figures and mine were way higher than anyone else's (did i mention I love to WIN and in winning all forms of modesty go whizzing out the window!!).
I`m also very pleased that my youngest daughter has asked to help with the children's hospice fundraising. Tomorrow at school they have a celebration day to mark the end of most of their gcse`s. They get to wear fancy dress, outdoor buffet/party, free ice cream van etc. So she and her friends are heading off to school tomorrow, dressed as Robin Hood and his merry men, armed with lots of info, posters and collecting tins.
Why quite so much charity work, because it`s given me a purpose, without it all I could think of was "what the hells the point", I felt like an oxygen waster. Now at least my small contribution may be helping someone somewhere.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
It`s been a tonic
Wow, I`ve just put a counter gadget on, came across it by chance when clicking things and can`t believe the amount of people who`ve visited, maybe not stayed but visited. I know I sometimes go on and on covering the same ground maybe more than once but that`s what`s going on in my head and doing this is my way of trying to sort things out a little because sometimes I can`t make sense of my little world and still mutter to myself "This wasn`t meant to be this way".
I`ve been thinking of my volunteering, especially the charity shop, I`ve pottered from job to job over the years and to be honest I`m enjoying this one the most. The people I work with and customers are all so nice and the fact I don`t get paid means I`m not waiting on that wage packet wondering how much the tax man has taken, I`m not working my arse off so someone else can enjoy big profits, much better giving my best to help people and last but not least I`m recycling!! I did intend to work behind the scenes but they sussed I`m a people person so find myself on the till quite a lot and although I never ever wanted to input data again they also sussed I wasn`t too bad at that and am doing the Gift Aid paperwork. To anyone who doesn`t already know, when donating anything to charity, either money or items, if you`re a tax payer, please register as a Gift Aid donor as the charity can claim back an extra 25% of donation from the tax man.
I`ve also noticed it`s only when I`m on my own with time to dwell that I sit mulling everything over and feel my stomach hit the floor, I wish I could remember without that happening as it`s a physical feeling that leaves you feeling empty and lost.
I don`t do it often but bought myself something. Last year I nearly ripped my arms off getting the 10ft hedge down to 5ft with my old loppers, as part two of hedge saga has begun (still had to stand on steps, so now getting it down to my cutting height) I invested in a set of Fiskars Geared Loppers, I love em!! 2" thick branches, snip, gone! It`s going a treat, only problem is that the driveways filling up fast.
I`ve been thinking of my volunteering, especially the charity shop, I`ve pottered from job to job over the years and to be honest I`m enjoying this one the most. The people I work with and customers are all so nice and the fact I don`t get paid means I`m not waiting on that wage packet wondering how much the tax man has taken, I`m not working my arse off so someone else can enjoy big profits, much better giving my best to help people and last but not least I`m recycling!! I did intend to work behind the scenes but they sussed I`m a people person so find myself on the till quite a lot and although I never ever wanted to input data again they also sussed I wasn`t too bad at that and am doing the Gift Aid paperwork. To anyone who doesn`t already know, when donating anything to charity, either money or items, if you`re a tax payer, please register as a Gift Aid donor as the charity can claim back an extra 25% of donation from the tax man.
I`ve also noticed it`s only when I`m on my own with time to dwell that I sit mulling everything over and feel my stomach hit the floor, I wish I could remember without that happening as it`s a physical feeling that leaves you feeling empty and lost.
I don`t do it often but bought myself something. Last year I nearly ripped my arms off getting the 10ft hedge down to 5ft with my old loppers, as part two of hedge saga has begun (still had to stand on steps, so now getting it down to my cutting height) I invested in a set of Fiskars Geared Loppers, I love em!! 2" thick branches, snip, gone! It`s going a treat, only problem is that the driveways filling up fast.
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Saturday a year ago
It`s Saturday, just after 8.30am, I`d spent all night trying to get a doctor, you couldn`t breath properly, I`d half carried you out of bed onto the sofa, I was so scared. A knock at the door, she said to say goodbye, she held your hand, she was oh so subtly taking your pulse, so kind of her to make it look unclinical. Bigger gaps then quiet as I said goodbye, I hope you heard me. She left us alone, More goodbyes and without the pain you looked like Cliffy again.
I didn`t feel like I had a broken heart, it felt totally destroyed, still is but you would have hated the miserable me. I can hear the part of you who`s still with me, "I`ll put you over me knee if you don`t cheer up" you`d say. The tears come when I`m alone chatting to you in the evenings, remembering but the rest of the time I`m managing to wear a smile, although I don`t think I`ll ever stop missing you, "Love you too Cliffy!".
We played this at our wedding when signing the register, not the usual mushy ballads people have at these occasions, it made most of them laugh. So go on sing your heart out Janis.
I didn`t feel like I had a broken heart, it felt totally destroyed, still is but you would have hated the miserable me. I can hear the part of you who`s still with me, "I`ll put you over me knee if you don`t cheer up" you`d say. The tears come when I`m alone chatting to you in the evenings, remembering but the rest of the time I`m managing to wear a smile, although I don`t think I`ll ever stop missing you, "Love you too Cliffy!".
We played this at our wedding when signing the register, not the usual mushy ballads people have at these occasions, it made most of them laugh. So go on sing your heart out Janis.
Monday, 16 May 2011
Trying
I think it`s probably time I made more effort to start living again, I`ve got my smile back, am laughing but it`s a life I don`t really want, I had that but unless I put more effort in I`m going to go bonkers and the years ahead are going to drag past far too slowly.
I`m still very bitter and full of self pity. "Why me, why us". I`m not the sort of person to covet "stuff", all I ever wanted was for the kids to be happy and healthy and my Cliffy. So why did life have to come along and trample all over everything, why did I have to watch the man I adore suffer and die and now face a future without him.
And under any smiles and laughter there`s still all that hurt, it wont go away, I want to be able to think of him and not hurt so much, I need to be able to stop yearning for a life that I`ll never have again, for someone who`s gone forever, the forever bit makes me want to vomit.
I don`t know if I`ll ever be happy again on the inside but am giving myself a kick up the arse (he would have) and trying to live a little.
I`m still very bitter and full of self pity. "Why me, why us". I`m not the sort of person to covet "stuff", all I ever wanted was for the kids to be happy and healthy and my Cliffy. So why did life have to come along and trample all over everything, why did I have to watch the man I adore suffer and die and now face a future without him.
And under any smiles and laughter there`s still all that hurt, it wont go away, I want to be able to think of him and not hurt so much, I need to be able to stop yearning for a life that I`ll never have again, for someone who`s gone forever, the forever bit makes me want to vomit.
I don`t know if I`ll ever be happy again on the inside but am giving myself a kick up the arse (he would have) and trying to live a little.
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