When I started writing this blog I saw no end to the way I was feeling especially as a year on from Cliffs death I was if anything feeling worse. Time heals, it softens people would say but at that point I didn`t believe them because I just kept sinking lower and lower with what seemed no way out.
The future, the one I didn`t really want, the big empty hole I saw looming infront of me, I couldn`t face that feeling the way I did. So bit by bit I attempted to claw myself out, some things worked others didn`t at all.
I didn`t like the miserable person I`d become and as I slowly started to feel more like my old self became more determined as I`m a stubborn little sh**. I started to put my life in some sort of order again and became able to laugh (from the inside) like I used to.
Of course things still hurt, watching someone you love dying and then having to live without them is bound to have a lasting affect but now any grief is on my terms not overpowering the whole of my life.
So yes, time both heals and softens, though I wouldn`t wish the way I felt on my worst enemy, I`ve never ever felt pain like that before.
I`ve met a lot of women in their 30`s and 40`s who have also lost their husbands and yes, like me, mostly to cancer. They too have healed over time and have built new lives either alone or with new partners.
So if anyone who`s going through something similar should happen upon this please have a read through because sometime, somehow you`ll find the strength from who knows where to start to live again and actually enjoy breathing in and out.
This blog is me and my loss of Cliffy, it`s been 19 months since his illness started affecting my life in earnest but now I start on that new chapter with someone to hold my hand as I go. There`s nothing else to say here so maybe a happier blog is on it`s way.
