When I started writing this blog I saw no end to the way I was feeling especially as a year on from Cliffs death I was if anything feeling worse. Time heals, it softens people would say but at that point I didn`t believe them because I just kept sinking lower and lower with what seemed no way out.
The future, the one I didn`t really want, the big empty hole I saw looming infront of me, I couldn`t face that feeling the way I did. So bit by bit I attempted to claw myself out, some things worked others didn`t at all.
I didn`t like the miserable person I`d become and as I slowly started to feel more like my old self became more determined as I`m a stubborn little sh**. I started to put my life in some sort of order again and became able to laugh (from the inside) like I used to.
Of course things still hurt, watching someone you love dying and then having to live without them is bound to have a lasting affect but now any grief is on my terms not overpowering the whole of my life.
So yes, time both heals and softens, though I wouldn`t wish the way I felt on my worst enemy, I`ve never ever felt pain like that before.
I`ve met a lot of women in their 30`s and 40`s who have also lost their husbands and yes, like me, mostly to cancer. They too have healed over time and have built new lives either alone or with new partners.
So if anyone who`s going through something similar should happen upon this please have a read through because sometime, somehow you`ll find the strength from who knows where to start to live again and actually enjoy breathing in and out.
This blog is me and my loss of Cliffy, it`s been 19 months since his illness started affecting my life in earnest but now I start on that new chapter with someone to hold my hand as I go. There`s nothing else to say here so maybe a happier blog is on it`s way.
Tuesday 6 September 2011
Thursday 25 August 2011
Living Again
The acceptance finally dawned and with it the fact that I can`t live the rest of my life in the past, my old life with Cliff has gone forever as has he and no amount of tears are ever going to change a thing because there is nothing more final than death. The finality, the never ever, the letting go and the intense loneliness without him were the things which were the hardest to accept. I didn`t want to be here anymore, didn`t want to live without him but even that escape was impossible because I could never do that to the kids. So for the last year and a bit I`ve ran round and round in circles getting nowhere untill at last I felt able to say the thing that I`d never been able to before as I didn`t want to let go, I said "goodbye".
So now a new chapter begins, I`ve beautiful memories but now need and feel ready to start making new ones with the person who wants to share my future with me.
So now a new chapter begins, I`ve beautiful memories but now need and feel ready to start making new ones with the person who wants to share my future with me.
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Future
For a while now I`ve felt that I needed to start looking foreward but was stuck in the past and could see no further than the present. I couldn`t spend the rest of my life feeling and living like that but couldn`t see a way of separating the past from now and the years ahead.
Then it just came to me, all those feelings for Cliff and the life I once had. I knew those feelings would never go away, so I put them all in a special place, somewhere I can visit when I choose but somewhere that doesn`t dominate my whole life and stops me moving on and having any kind of future.
After I was able to do this, I was able to smile and laugh without feeling guilty. After I was able to do this I was able to accept an invitation from a friend who has been enormously supportive, cheered me up and listened patiently on the phone while I felt like crying my eyes out.
So I finally managed to get my break away to the seaside where for the first time in a year and a half I felt like a normal person. The future, ahh the future.......we`ve even plans for that, Hazel, two years time, buy yourself a fancy hat
Then it just came to me, all those feelings for Cliff and the life I once had. I knew those feelings would never go away, so I put them all in a special place, somewhere I can visit when I choose but somewhere that doesn`t dominate my whole life and stops me moving on and having any kind of future.
After I was able to do this, I was able to smile and laugh without feeling guilty. After I was able to do this I was able to accept an invitation from a friend who has been enormously supportive, cheered me up and listened patiently on the phone while I felt like crying my eyes out.
So I finally managed to get my break away to the seaside where for the first time in a year and a half I felt like a normal person. The future, ahh the future.......we`ve even plans for that, Hazel, two years time, buy yourself a fancy hat
Friday 5 August 2011
Lately
Now it`s holiday time with children off school and people off to sunny climes many of the usual volunteers at the shop have other commitments so having no commitments at all of my own was more than happy to do extra hours to cover.
I`m also zooming through my NVQ, being longwinded in my answers with pages rather than lines seems to be a plus point as I`m covering things not asked for yet and getting the credit points for them. On the practical side I wasn`t really looking forward to be shadowed for a day, the thought of being watched was bound to get me flustered but the assessor was very subtle and I forgot she was there.....so being a chatterbox again seemed to be an advantage in that I easily passed the Customer Service and Teamwork modules. Sale of Goods Act and Health and Safety this week....help my pens running out of ink!!!.....I think I`ll be finished this one soon and onto the next level. (I seem to have found my forte).
My own plans for getting away this summer have fallen on their face and never got passed the thinking about it stage, I don`t really mind as perhaps I`m not ready yet.
I made my very last mortgage payment this month, I thought I would be jumping up and down with excitement but I wasn`t. Being mortgage free was something that WE had looked forewards to, that WE would have jumped up and down to, Cliffy had missed out on that moment, so when "I" made that last payment I walked out of the bank and nearly cried.
On a nicer note I`ve met two more Classic Bike forum members over the last few weeks and again very nice people.
I`m also zooming through my NVQ, being longwinded in my answers with pages rather than lines seems to be a plus point as I`m covering things not asked for yet and getting the credit points for them. On the practical side I wasn`t really looking forward to be shadowed for a day, the thought of being watched was bound to get me flustered but the assessor was very subtle and I forgot she was there.....so being a chatterbox again seemed to be an advantage in that I easily passed the Customer Service and Teamwork modules. Sale of Goods Act and Health and Safety this week....help my pens running out of ink!!!.....I think I`ll be finished this one soon and onto the next level. (I seem to have found my forte).
My own plans for getting away this summer have fallen on their face and never got passed the thinking about it stage, I don`t really mind as perhaps I`m not ready yet.
I made my very last mortgage payment this month, I thought I would be jumping up and down with excitement but I wasn`t. Being mortgage free was something that WE had looked forewards to, that WE would have jumped up and down to, Cliffy had missed out on that moment, so when "I" made that last payment I walked out of the bank and nearly cried.
On a nicer note I`ve met two more Classic Bike forum members over the last few weeks and again very nice people.
Thursday 21 July 2011
A future
I realised I`d been spending a whole lot of time thinking about "Getting Over" everything that`s happened and even if I wanted to or not. I`m always going to miss Cliff, always going to love him and don`t want to "Get Over" him.
What I do want and at last think that I`m very slowly achieving is being able to live with it. I`m managing to think of a future for me, well sort of and only sometimes but it`s a start. I`m trying not to feel guilty when I`m having a laugh, he wouldn`t have wanted me to never laugh again and a far better stress reliever than medications.
I`m finding me again, mulling things over here has helped but it`s not really down to that, it`s people. The Classic bike forum members support, my followers here, Hazel who`s a lovely person, my piccy I love it, Simon who`s been in touch thank you so much for listening and sorry about your phone bill, Tim, called in for a cuppy and ended up helping in shed, thanks. The people I work with, many with problems of their own but who get on with it with smiles on their faces and the people who never let me pass in the street without a chat asking how I`m doing, they think I`m looking more like my old self these days.
I moan about people, everyone does but I think there`s a whole lot more good ones than bad and knowing that people care makes all the difference. Thank you people!!
What I do want and at last think that I`m very slowly achieving is being able to live with it. I`m managing to think of a future for me, well sort of and only sometimes but it`s a start. I`m trying not to feel guilty when I`m having a laugh, he wouldn`t have wanted me to never laugh again and a far better stress reliever than medications.
I`m finding me again, mulling things over here has helped but it`s not really down to that, it`s people. The Classic bike forum members support, my followers here, Hazel who`s a lovely person, my piccy I love it, Simon who`s been in touch thank you so much for listening and sorry about your phone bill, Tim, called in for a cuppy and ended up helping in shed, thanks. The people I work with, many with problems of their own but who get on with it with smiles on their faces and the people who never let me pass in the street without a chat asking how I`m doing, they think I`m looking more like my old self these days.
I moan about people, everyone does but I think there`s a whole lot more good ones than bad and knowing that people care makes all the difference. Thank you people!!
Friday 8 July 2011
Balance
This day at home has helped me make my mind up, I can`t stay here in this house, it may take a wee while to sort things out but I have to go. Again last night I didn`t sleep a wink, I sometimes last days before my minds exhausted enough to shut down for a bit. And it`s not just the livingroom, I realised today that I don`t really feel settled anywhere, think it`s because I was so very happy here and now I`m not.
I need to start again, I`ve lost count of the number of houses I`ve lived in over the years. This one with Cliff was the first to feel like a proper home without him it doesn`t, it`s just another house. I hate the thought of starting again at this point in my life. A lot of the time I can`t be bothered and it`s easy to sit and fester so I have to constantly shove myself to stop this happening.
For a while now I`ve been down sizing my junk, anything without a purpose or nice memory is gone (just how many fruit bowls does a person need!), I`ve been quite ruthless after all it`s only stuff, still a lot to go but in the end I should fit nicely into a small house.
Now I just need to figure out how to feel happy or even content again, yes I`m smiling again but under the surface still hurts. I also need to stop either dashing about babbling on a load of nonsense or sitting about doing nothing, I need some balance.
Doubt that I`ll sleep tonight, eyes wide open, mind in overdrive, I`m back working tomorrow, good, I can focus there. But again no balance, I can`t fill my whole life working which is mostly what I`m doing, I need to find pleasure in doing social things again. And it`s all very well me sitting here talking about all this but I need to get up and do it, the hard part.
I need to start again, I`ve lost count of the number of houses I`ve lived in over the years. This one with Cliff was the first to feel like a proper home without him it doesn`t, it`s just another house. I hate the thought of starting again at this point in my life. A lot of the time I can`t be bothered and it`s easy to sit and fester so I have to constantly shove myself to stop this happening.
For a while now I`ve been down sizing my junk, anything without a purpose or nice memory is gone (just how many fruit bowls does a person need!), I`ve been quite ruthless after all it`s only stuff, still a lot to go but in the end I should fit nicely into a small house.
Now I just need to figure out how to feel happy or even content again, yes I`m smiling again but under the surface still hurts. I also need to stop either dashing about babbling on a load of nonsense or sitting about doing nothing, I need some balance.
Doubt that I`ll sleep tonight, eyes wide open, mind in overdrive, I`m back working tomorrow, good, I can focus there. But again no balance, I can`t fill my whole life working which is mostly what I`m doing, I need to find pleasure in doing social things again. And it`s all very well me sitting here talking about all this but I need to get up and do it, the hard part.
A Scenario
I wanted to mention this as even though it only affected me slightly (change of pension scheme a few years ago), it was something unforeseen when I handled probate but to others could have a huge impact.
So a scenario, you`re married and set up a pension, as in many relationships the woman deals with a lot of the paperwork so you don`t bother to read everything you sign as you naturally trust her. Then divorce, you remarry, you change the benefactor to your new wife.
But the pension provider doesn`t mention that this nomination is useless as the pension was written "In Trust" as he assumes you know this.
Those two little words, In Trust, set everything in stone as regards who any benefits are paid out to. You can of course move most, not always all, of the pension somewhere else before it matures. So basically read, small print and all, everything you sign.
So a scenario, you`re married and set up a pension, as in many relationships the woman deals with a lot of the paperwork so you don`t bother to read everything you sign as you naturally trust her. Then divorce, you remarry, you change the benefactor to your new wife.
But the pension provider doesn`t mention that this nomination is useless as the pension was written "In Trust" as he assumes you know this.
Those two little words, In Trust, set everything in stone as regards who any benefits are paid out to. You can of course move most, not always all, of the pension somewhere else before it matures. So basically read, small print and all, everything you sign.
Monday 4 July 2011
Thanks both
Thanks Hazel and Simon, other peoples input really helps because I sometimes can`t make sense of all the things in my head and especially when I`m feeling emotional don`t know if I`ve made a daft decision or not.
Yes Hazel I know he wouldn`t have wanted me misrable and stuck in a rut My new friends are nice and personality wise kind of like me so not exactly shrinking violets either so have brought me back out of myself. It`s just letting go has been so hard, I think I may be refusing invitations out in the evenings on purpose so I can sit at home and cling to the past. Part of me doesn`t want to let go but I can`t live the rest of my life feeling like this. I`m hoping that a new house may help and it was something we intended to do anyway.
It won`t be in the very near future as I`ve so much needing fixed here but now that the mortgage is paid I`m hoping to get things done over winter, unless a complete bargain came my way. Yes Simon bungalows are snapped up here very quickly, the only ones that sit unsold for a while are those with upstairs dormer extensions, probably because the older buyers don`t want stairs. There are a few of those for sale but they`ve been newly refurbished so even more expensive. How`s your friend coping as I`ve found this is the hardest thing I`ve ever had to go through? I could afford a flat but want something with a garden, I like to potter or take out frustrations by getting out the spade. I`d also need a shed, I always feel relaxed in there, a little escape den from everything. (but I`d rather have a big, huge shed!!).
I`m not sure if I`d stay locally, I do have to stay in town for at least a couple of years as youngest daughter has a place at college here plus I wouldn`t want to drag her away from her friends, not fair. My oldest spends half her time staying at her boyfriends Mums house (makes life easier as he lives way out in one of the villages that`s not on a bus route) and half they`re here but he`s off to uni in September. She`s just finished A-levels and is looking for a job hoping to save up while she decides whether to go to uni next year or not.
I start my NVQ tomorrow, I think I can take as many as I want upto management level, I`m quite excited and looking forewards to it....I love a challenge!!
Yes Hazel I know he wouldn`t have wanted me misrable and stuck in a rut My new friends are nice and personality wise kind of like me so not exactly shrinking violets either so have brought me back out of myself. It`s just letting go has been so hard, I think I may be refusing invitations out in the evenings on purpose so I can sit at home and cling to the past. Part of me doesn`t want to let go but I can`t live the rest of my life feeling like this. I`m hoping that a new house may help and it was something we intended to do anyway.
It won`t be in the very near future as I`ve so much needing fixed here but now that the mortgage is paid I`m hoping to get things done over winter, unless a complete bargain came my way. Yes Simon bungalows are snapped up here very quickly, the only ones that sit unsold for a while are those with upstairs dormer extensions, probably because the older buyers don`t want stairs. There are a few of those for sale but they`ve been newly refurbished so even more expensive. How`s your friend coping as I`ve found this is the hardest thing I`ve ever had to go through? I could afford a flat but want something with a garden, I like to potter or take out frustrations by getting out the spade. I`d also need a shed, I always feel relaxed in there, a little escape den from everything. (but I`d rather have a big, huge shed!!).
I`m not sure if I`d stay locally, I do have to stay in town for at least a couple of years as youngest daughter has a place at college here plus I wouldn`t want to drag her away from her friends, not fair. My oldest spends half her time staying at her boyfriends Mums house (makes life easier as he lives way out in one of the villages that`s not on a bus route) and half they`re here but he`s off to uni in September. She`s just finished A-levels and is looking for a job hoping to save up while she decides whether to go to uni next year or not.
I start my NVQ tomorrow, I think I can take as many as I want upto management level, I`m quite excited and looking forewards to it....I love a challenge!!
Sunday 3 July 2011
House
I was reading what I said yesterday and have decided what I need to do next. It`s this house, I can`t move forewards here and it`s silly living in a house where I can`t stand to sit in my own livingroom, I only ever come in here to use the laptop or tidy, I never sit down on the sofa and relax because I hate it and what happened in here.
We`d always planned to move once the kids got older, somewhere smaller but with either a garage or enough space to build a big shed so I`m going to go ahead with that plan. I`ve glanced at properties in the paper and most small cottage/bungalows are more expensive than this. So once I fix this place up I`ll need to find something that`s also needing work done and is not bang up to date with a fancy kitchen and bathroom.
If nothing else all that will keep me busy for a while.
We`d always planned to move once the kids got older, somewhere smaller but with either a garage or enough space to build a big shed so I`m going to go ahead with that plan. I`ve glanced at properties in the paper and most small cottage/bungalows are more expensive than this. So once I fix this place up I`ll need to find something that`s also needing work done and is not bang up to date with a fancy kitchen and bathroom.
If nothing else all that will keep me busy for a while.
Saturday 2 July 2011
The present
Very gradually this whole different life I`ve had to make for myself has brought back the old me and when surrounded by these new situations and people I seem to have found a way of moving forewords. I can talk about Cliff, our life together, the fun times, with a huge smile on my face without that sinking feeling inside. In the new life I`m also focusing more and more on the present and not dwelling in the past.
Then I come home, here I`m surrounded by the fact that Cliff isn`t here anymore. The empty chair opposite at mealtimes, the big empty cold bed, the quietness in the shed and the knowing that he`s never going to walk through that front door ever again no matter how much I want him to.
I`d had a nice day yesterday, I wouldn`t say I was blissfully happy but reasonably content, then I came home and it hit me. I felt guilty. I felt that by moving forewords, by trying to mend me that I was leaving Cliff behind, I felt that when I was out getting on with the new life that I was betraying him. (I do realise that this is totally unreasonable but it`s how I feel).
So at home I`m stuck in some sort of limbo, I feel awful here and a part of me doesn`t want to loose this as yearning for the past it`s all I`ve got left of him.
My life seems to have split off into two halves, wonder if they`ll ever get into sync.
Then I come home, here I`m surrounded by the fact that Cliff isn`t here anymore. The empty chair opposite at mealtimes, the big empty cold bed, the quietness in the shed and the knowing that he`s never going to walk through that front door ever again no matter how much I want him to.
I`d had a nice day yesterday, I wouldn`t say I was blissfully happy but reasonably content, then I came home and it hit me. I felt guilty. I felt that by moving forewords, by trying to mend me that I was leaving Cliff behind, I felt that when I was out getting on with the new life that I was betraying him. (I do realise that this is totally unreasonable but it`s how I feel).
So at home I`m stuck in some sort of limbo, I feel awful here and a part of me doesn`t want to loose this as yearning for the past it`s all I`ve got left of him.
My life seems to have split off into two halves, wonder if they`ll ever get into sync.
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Happy bunny
Finally got some sleep but only a few hours and at totally the wrong time. By the time I got home, grabbed a sandwich and did some stuff like washing dishes and filling the washing machine (who says I don`t know how to have a good time!) I settled down with a book and fell asleep at around 8pm, it`s now midnight and I`m wide awake. These strange sleep patterns with a few hours here and there leave me feeling like I`m living in the twilight zone as I`m never having the x amount of hours sleep a body needs.
My life may all be a bit of a shambles but these`s one thing I always keep in order, finances. I think it`s because I was brought up with the, you don`t spend what you don`t have mentality. My only debt is the mortgage and I wanted rid of it as quickly as possible. What happened to Cliff made me think that if anything was to ever happen to me that the kids would be left with that debt. The payments were all recalculated last year and I could have made very small payments over the next 13 years but I didn`t want that. So worked out a very strict budget and I`ve lived hand to mouth so I could pay as much as possible every month. The bank said I was being unrealistic but I went ahead.
My visit to the bank at lunchtime today confirmed what I thought, after tomorrows payment I only owe £400, which will be paid in August and I`m done, roof over kids heads will be secure!! Well chuffed. My mortgage advisor, she`s very nice, said she`d eat her words cos she didn`t think I`d be able to survive on so little. Now, in August I`ll get my new will written up, minus inclusion of the Halifax and I`ll not owe anybody anything, phew! Now I can concentrate on saving up and doing all the repairs the house is needing done.
We`d planned to take off on the bike last summer, going to fav places, rallies etc now the kids were grown up we`d be able to go off for a few weeks but hey-ho maybe best not to make plans.
I think the last time I owned a pair of leather jeans was back in 1990, it`s probably bad but since then just wore jeans on a bike. I`ve got a really decent leather jacket but keep stitching the old scruffy one back together, I should really bin it as the fasteners on neck are falling off and rusty cos it`s so old.
My life may all be a bit of a shambles but these`s one thing I always keep in order, finances. I think it`s because I was brought up with the, you don`t spend what you don`t have mentality. My only debt is the mortgage and I wanted rid of it as quickly as possible. What happened to Cliff made me think that if anything was to ever happen to me that the kids would be left with that debt. The payments were all recalculated last year and I could have made very small payments over the next 13 years but I didn`t want that. So worked out a very strict budget and I`ve lived hand to mouth so I could pay as much as possible every month. The bank said I was being unrealistic but I went ahead.
My visit to the bank at lunchtime today confirmed what I thought, after tomorrows payment I only owe £400, which will be paid in August and I`m done, roof over kids heads will be secure!! Well chuffed. My mortgage advisor, she`s very nice, said she`d eat her words cos she didn`t think I`d be able to survive on so little. Now, in August I`ll get my new will written up, minus inclusion of the Halifax and I`ll not owe anybody anything, phew! Now I can concentrate on saving up and doing all the repairs the house is needing done.
We`d planned to take off on the bike last summer, going to fav places, rallies etc now the kids were grown up we`d be able to go off for a few weeks but hey-ho maybe best not to make plans.
I think the last time I owned a pair of leather jeans was back in 1990, it`s probably bad but since then just wore jeans on a bike. I`ve got a really decent leather jacket but keep stitching the old scruffy one back together, I should really bin it as the fasteners on neck are falling off and rusty cos it`s so old.
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Insomnia
I`m prattling on a lot as I`ve been at home for the last couple of days and the house has been very quiet. Last week I was tripping over teenagers, this week my oldest daughter is off staying at her boyfriends Mum and Dads and youngest is mostly out with her friends, I`m glad they`re off out enjoying life. I just miss having someone to talk to and as I can`t seem to switch off these days this helps get some things out that keep rattling round my head. Some of it has been sort of me thinking out loud, trying to figure things out or make some sort of sense of it all. I try so hard to just go with the flow but all this stuff won`t go away. that`s why I like being at work, there I`m so busy I don`t have time to think and can be the old me for a while. Strange that I`m meticulously tidy and organised at work yet at home can`t even be bothered to dust. The little flat I had when I was young was tidier than this.
I`m back at work tomorrow through to Monday so some of this tension I`m feeling will ease. I really like the people I work with, most like me have some sort of reason for being there, whither it be illness, disability or grief and like me leave their problems at home and just get on with it with a smile, we actually all have a great laugh together, the fact that they can deal with their problems in this way, working to help others, has helped me with mine, very refreshing.
There`s a mug in the shop I`ve got to buy, on one side it says "Old Farts Club" and on the other "I`d rather be 40 than pregnant", any of the lady customers of a certain age always have a laugh at it, I want it, I want to be officially an old fart!! And yes, all my customers are lovely and nice and like a wee chat. Very broad spectrum, one woman came in with donation bags, turned out she was the president of the local branch of the red cross, a minor coup as I persuaded her to become a gift aider despite supporting another charity. When she left I noticed in the "title" box of the form "Lady" hmm never met a Lady before, she was actually very down to earth.
I hauled my biking gear out from under the stairs, it was all covered with cobwebs with creepy crawlies in my boots! My helmet is ancient, I`d always meant to get a replacement visor as it`s got a large scrape (not cracked through) right down the front but perhaps I`m needing a whole new helmet as it`s so old. Just thought of the most stupid thing I`ve ever done on a bike, many many moons ago a boyfriend took me to a party on his bike, high heels (I used to want to be taller) and lycra frock is not exactly adequate protection and lycra slides all over the seat....I was a twat!!
Talking of frocks, a friend is going to a gothic wedding and having a black velvet dress made, I`m jealous, I always wanted a Morticia Adams frock!
2am, not tired, I could probably ramble on all night but wont. Another thought, I know lots of people and lots of invites for girls nights out (drew the line at line-dancing though) but Cliff was my best friend, everyone needs someone they`re able to pour their hearts out to, can talk about anything with as well as fun times. I`m not close to my family and wouldn`t burden the kids, I think I need a best friend (now for the bad joke), maybe I`ll check out e-bay!!
I`ve just noticed the Latin in your comment Simon. There were two routes to becoming a prefect at my old school, one was to take Latin the other was if your Dad had a "profession". I failed on both counts in that Art & Design, History and the Sciences were my favourite subjects (I escaped latin) and Dad worked in heavy engineering, Machining, so boiler suit rather than shirt and tie. My chances of becoming a prefect were "Doomed" (Private Frazer accent). So I had to google translate!!!
I`m back at work tomorrow through to Monday so some of this tension I`m feeling will ease. I really like the people I work with, most like me have some sort of reason for being there, whither it be illness, disability or grief and like me leave their problems at home and just get on with it with a smile, we actually all have a great laugh together, the fact that they can deal with their problems in this way, working to help others, has helped me with mine, very refreshing.
There`s a mug in the shop I`ve got to buy, on one side it says "Old Farts Club" and on the other "I`d rather be 40 than pregnant", any of the lady customers of a certain age always have a laugh at it, I want it, I want to be officially an old fart!! And yes, all my customers are lovely and nice and like a wee chat. Very broad spectrum, one woman came in with donation bags, turned out she was the president of the local branch of the red cross, a minor coup as I persuaded her to become a gift aider despite supporting another charity. When she left I noticed in the "title" box of the form "Lady" hmm never met a Lady before, she was actually very down to earth.
I hauled my biking gear out from under the stairs, it was all covered with cobwebs with creepy crawlies in my boots! My helmet is ancient, I`d always meant to get a replacement visor as it`s got a large scrape (not cracked through) right down the front but perhaps I`m needing a whole new helmet as it`s so old. Just thought of the most stupid thing I`ve ever done on a bike, many many moons ago a boyfriend took me to a party on his bike, high heels (I used to want to be taller) and lycra frock is not exactly adequate protection and lycra slides all over the seat....I was a twat!!
Talking of frocks, a friend is going to a gothic wedding and having a black velvet dress made, I`m jealous, I always wanted a Morticia Adams frock!
2am, not tired, I could probably ramble on all night but wont. Another thought, I know lots of people and lots of invites for girls nights out (drew the line at line-dancing though) but Cliff was my best friend, everyone needs someone they`re able to pour their hearts out to, can talk about anything with as well as fun times. I`m not close to my family and wouldn`t burden the kids, I think I need a best friend (now for the bad joke), maybe I`ll check out e-bay!!
I`ve just noticed the Latin in your comment Simon. There were two routes to becoming a prefect at my old school, one was to take Latin the other was if your Dad had a "profession". I failed on both counts in that Art & Design, History and the Sciences were my favourite subjects (I escaped latin) and Dad worked in heavy engineering, Machining, so boiler suit rather than shirt and tie. My chances of becoming a prefect were "Doomed" (Private Frazer accent). So I had to google translate!!!
Just a blether
Yes, laser eye surgery, I`ve considered that but don`t think I`m brave enough as the what if something goes wrong question keeps popping into my head. My Mums nearly lost her sight now, she had laser surgery for her cataracts as everyone kept saying what a great difference it made. However she also has glaucoma so when the cataracts were removed, the glaucoma was so advanced it made no difference. Because glaucoma may run in families I qualify for free eye tests because of this and am over 40, this includes field vision, where I have to stare ahead and press buttons when I see dots at side of vision, they also shoot a short sharp blast of air onto my eye to measure the pressure, "don`t blink" he says, argh very hard when you know whats coming.
Mum also has severe arthritis, she`s had both her hips replaced but it`s in her spine, infact most of her joints. Before I moved south I used to care for her and went in daily, now my sister does with the added help of carers to help her get dressed in the morning and bed at night as she`s determined that she doesn`t want to leave her own home.
Over 40, couple of years and I`ll be 50 doesn`t time fly. me, I see it as a number and don`t give a toss, my sister however dreads these birthdays and looking old. So a couple of years ago on her birthday, one she was dreading I gave her a mug with an especially large 40 on it! (wicked maybe, funny, yes!!).
I`m amazed at the amount of money some women spend on their quest for youth, lotions and potions all with empty promises and large price tags. Our town is awash with beauty salons where you can botox your wrinkles away or even worse some women I know send their husbands to be waxed, yuk, men are meant to be furry, oops brakes on cos that`s a whole different subject <grin>.
Anyway, I`m going to make an appointment at another optician today, I`ll take the offending pair and see what they say about the prescription, quite nice frames, brushed stainless.
Mum also has severe arthritis, she`s had both her hips replaced but it`s in her spine, infact most of her joints. Before I moved south I used to care for her and went in daily, now my sister does with the added help of carers to help her get dressed in the morning and bed at night as she`s determined that she doesn`t want to leave her own home.
Over 40, couple of years and I`ll be 50 doesn`t time fly. me, I see it as a number and don`t give a toss, my sister however dreads these birthdays and looking old. So a couple of years ago on her birthday, one she was dreading I gave her a mug with an especially large 40 on it! (wicked maybe, funny, yes!!).
I`m amazed at the amount of money some women spend on their quest for youth, lotions and potions all with empty promises and large price tags. Our town is awash with beauty salons where you can botox your wrinkles away or even worse some women I know send their husbands to be waxed, yuk, men are meant to be furry, oops brakes on cos that`s a whole different subject <grin>.
Anyway, I`m going to make an appointment at another optician today, I`ll take the offending pair and see what they say about the prescription, quite nice frames, brushed stainless.
Monday 27 June 2011
Reply to Simon
I still can`t access "comments" but answering this way is fine.
The glasses issue, when I picked them up I noticed that I coudn`t focus right but was told that I`d get used to them. So I tried wearing them round the house but basically they made me feel dizzy. They also don`t fit right, they hurt the bridge of my nose (that`s my fault though, bone isn`t right due to accident when young) and the legs are far too long. I`ve a small head and the optician bent the legs so they fitted my ears but when I tried them on with my helmet the excess leg length pushed them so far forwards they fell off my nose.
So I`m going to book an appointment with another optician because I would fail the CBT eye test otherwise. I`ve noticed that when I wear sunglasses under my helmet they tend to mist up, so wondered if that was a problem with glasses wearers, does your partners glasses mist up Simon?
I absolutely love the sound of engines, if I see a bike goung round the roundabout at the bottom of my street I`ve got to stop so I can listen to it pulling out and if I hear something interesting going down or climbing the hill outside just have to hang out of my bedroom window to listen, they sound especially good at night when all`s quiet. The Morini used to live in my shed (the extension), we started him up in there and boy did he growl. (before new roof so surprised it didn`t cave in).
Whereas Wobble loves distances, doesn`t mind sweeping bends, he doesn`t like tight corners so a small shed mate, something fun for country lanes was always on the cards. Cliff like you was an MZ fan but that Trophy headlamp. ""But it`s the best bit, a functional design feature Susie" he`d say. "Yes, very art deco but it looks out of proportion.....and I don`t like it, perhaps a reshape" says I grinning and waving a hacksaw around. (Hmmm, just thought , maybe it looks more Bauhaus?). Strangely I love art deco and watch old Agatha Christie films just to look at the buildings.
DUF, number plate was bought and still lives in Devon near Barnstable.
Bloody hell I don`t half go on, so to summarise, I miss everything about biking, so will get off me bum and book appointment to get eyes sorted out.
The glasses issue, when I picked them up I noticed that I coudn`t focus right but was told that I`d get used to them. So I tried wearing them round the house but basically they made me feel dizzy. They also don`t fit right, they hurt the bridge of my nose (that`s my fault though, bone isn`t right due to accident when young) and the legs are far too long. I`ve a small head and the optician bent the legs so they fitted my ears but when I tried them on with my helmet the excess leg length pushed them so far forwards they fell off my nose.
So I`m going to book an appointment with another optician because I would fail the CBT eye test otherwise. I`ve noticed that when I wear sunglasses under my helmet they tend to mist up, so wondered if that was a problem with glasses wearers, does your partners glasses mist up Simon?
I absolutely love the sound of engines, if I see a bike goung round the roundabout at the bottom of my street I`ve got to stop so I can listen to it pulling out and if I hear something interesting going down or climbing the hill outside just have to hang out of my bedroom window to listen, they sound especially good at night when all`s quiet. The Morini used to live in my shed (the extension), we started him up in there and boy did he growl. (before new roof so surprised it didn`t cave in).
Whereas Wobble loves distances, doesn`t mind sweeping bends, he doesn`t like tight corners so a small shed mate, something fun for country lanes was always on the cards. Cliff like you was an MZ fan but that Trophy headlamp. ""But it`s the best bit, a functional design feature Susie" he`d say. "Yes, very art deco but it looks out of proportion.....and I don`t like it, perhaps a reshape" says I grinning and waving a hacksaw around. (Hmmm, just thought , maybe it looks more Bauhaus?). Strangely I love art deco and watch old Agatha Christie films just to look at the buildings.
DUF, number plate was bought and still lives in Devon near Barnstable.
Bloody hell I don`t half go on, so to summarise, I miss everything about biking, so will get off me bum and book appointment to get eyes sorted out.
Sunday 26 June 2011
Clipping doggies and motorcycles....plus afterthought
Yes it`s doggie clipping day. The old wahl set couldn`t hack it as Doogie dog has a very thick wiry coat with a felt like fluffy one underneath leading to the clippers overheating and clogging in minutes. So today I`m trying out the new heavy duty ones (there`s even blades available for horses and sheep so I`m assuming they`ll tackle the job}. She loves having a trim and is so relaxed, usually ends up snoring.
Me next, annual trim on Tuesday, just enough so I can see where I`m going and it takes less than half hour to dry, I`ve never liked hairdressers!!
I`m still dithering over whether to do CBT training or not. Now it`s summer the bikes are out in force. I see them and think of nice summer breezes with visor up bumbling round our country roads. I know what I like and see something and think "aren`t you a beauty". Then I hear them out and about, some engines just sound plain horny, especially when they growl or duff, dufff, duffff. Our friends R80 project (Wobble #2) reg number is DUF!
I do need distance glasses for driving but the ones I got from Specsavers are as much use as a chocolate fireguard in that far distances are great but anything closer than say a roads width is a blur, I think I need to try another optician as since my eye test I heard our local specsavers has a dodgy reputation. Another consideration is that my concentration levels can vary with my recent emotional up`s and down`s, then again having something I have to focus on 100% may help.
But as with a lot of things lately, I dunno!
Had an idea and looked up residential courses which would tie in nicely with wanting a break, the one that leads to a restricted licence, plenty available but the accommodation prices are far too steep. I`ve popped round to the community centre a few times as they do CBT in the car park there, wanted a chat with the bloke that runs it but he`s never there. Don`t blame him really last time I went round the fire brigade were putting out a Honda that had been set alight, strangely outside the community centre is one of the places the chavs hang out!
Me next, annual trim on Tuesday, just enough so I can see where I`m going and it takes less than half hour to dry, I`ve never liked hairdressers!!
I`m still dithering over whether to do CBT training or not. Now it`s summer the bikes are out in force. I see them and think of nice summer breezes with visor up bumbling round our country roads. I know what I like and see something and think "aren`t you a beauty". Then I hear them out and about, some engines just sound plain horny, especially when they growl or duff, dufff, duffff. Our friends R80 project (Wobble #2) reg number is DUF!
I do need distance glasses for driving but the ones I got from Specsavers are as much use as a chocolate fireguard in that far distances are great but anything closer than say a roads width is a blur, I think I need to try another optician as since my eye test I heard our local specsavers has a dodgy reputation. Another consideration is that my concentration levels can vary with my recent emotional up`s and down`s, then again having something I have to focus on 100% may help.
But as with a lot of things lately, I dunno!
Had an idea and looked up residential courses which would tie in nicely with wanting a break, the one that leads to a restricted licence, plenty available but the accommodation prices are far too steep. I`ve popped round to the community centre a few times as they do CBT in the car park there, wanted a chat with the bloke that runs it but he`s never there. Don`t blame him really last time I went round the fire brigade were putting out a Honda that had been set alight, strangely outside the community centre is one of the places the chavs hang out!
Friday 24 June 2011
Cancer
I`m going to write about Pancreatic Cancer today because although it rates amongst the biggest killers I feel it has the least publicity. Others are fairly detectable, there are routine scans or tests offered so are found in the early stages, especially cancers that affect women. They are also treatable in that survival rates are increasing all the time.
The early symptoms of Pancreatic Cancer are very vague and whilst the tumour is confined to the pancreas itself nothing shows up in the routine liver function blood test given for pain and digestive problems in the abdominal area.
It is only when symptoms become severe and IF the GP repeats the blood test and/or sends the patient for an Ultra Sound scan that abnormalities are found. However these abnormalities show up in the liver which means the cancer has by now spread and once in the liver it very quickly invades most of the major organs.
It is the CT scan that eventually shows the tumour in the pancreas followed by biopsies to confirm. By this time however in all but 4% of patients it`s too late. Chemotherapy may add a few months to someones life but unless the patient is one of the 4% the failing internal organs mean little quality of life as food eaten is not digested leading to dramatic weightloss and the toxins from the failing liver poison the brain, not forgetting the intense pain despite increasingly larger doses of morphine.
A fair amount of research has and continues to be done into treatments to prolong life but I feel this is like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.
Even the most competent GP is hardly going to send a patient for a CT scan in those early stages before other avenues have been investigated and as I said those other avenues are only going to show problems once it`s too late. Basically researchers have to find a way of detecting the tumour before the cancer spreads, a routine test that can be carried out quickly and cheaply (alas).
Our GP could probably not have saved Cliffs life but he refused an Ultra Sound during the couple of months we begged for one despite Cliffs very obvious failing health and pain. Cliff had to collapse before he was taken to hospital and tests undertaken, two months of suffering that could have been avoided.
My GP surgery keep suggesting that perhaps I`d feel more comfortable signing up with another surgery as it would be less upsetting. Yes, sitting in that waiting room makes my eyes water, I`ve a different doctor but every time the gp in question calls in a patient I make sure he looks me in the eye. Revenge, maybe, but Cliff asked me to make sure he didn`t do the same to someone else, so I`m there as a constant reminder to him, I may have to sit and gulp back tears but I`m going nowhere!
The early symptoms of Pancreatic Cancer are very vague and whilst the tumour is confined to the pancreas itself nothing shows up in the routine liver function blood test given for pain and digestive problems in the abdominal area.
It is only when symptoms become severe and IF the GP repeats the blood test and/or sends the patient for an Ultra Sound scan that abnormalities are found. However these abnormalities show up in the liver which means the cancer has by now spread and once in the liver it very quickly invades most of the major organs.
It is the CT scan that eventually shows the tumour in the pancreas followed by biopsies to confirm. By this time however in all but 4% of patients it`s too late. Chemotherapy may add a few months to someones life but unless the patient is one of the 4% the failing internal organs mean little quality of life as food eaten is not digested leading to dramatic weightloss and the toxins from the failing liver poison the brain, not forgetting the intense pain despite increasingly larger doses of morphine.
A fair amount of research has and continues to be done into treatments to prolong life but I feel this is like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.
Even the most competent GP is hardly going to send a patient for a CT scan in those early stages before other avenues have been investigated and as I said those other avenues are only going to show problems once it`s too late. Basically researchers have to find a way of detecting the tumour before the cancer spreads, a routine test that can be carried out quickly and cheaply (alas).
Our GP could probably not have saved Cliffs life but he refused an Ultra Sound during the couple of months we begged for one despite Cliffs very obvious failing health and pain. Cliff had to collapse before he was taken to hospital and tests undertaken, two months of suffering that could have been avoided.
My GP surgery keep suggesting that perhaps I`d feel more comfortable signing up with another surgery as it would be less upsetting. Yes, sitting in that waiting room makes my eyes water, I`ve a different doctor but every time the gp in question calls in a patient I make sure he looks me in the eye. Revenge, maybe, but Cliff asked me to make sure he didn`t do the same to someone else, so I`m there as a constant reminder to him, I may have to sit and gulp back tears but I`m going nowhere!
Thursday 23 June 2011
Clip
Our friend Pete has just sent me a small video clip of Cliffy, my heads all over the place jumping from happy to sad. The clip is him to a tee, such an expressive face and that cheeky naughty boy look he had, I`m smiling now thinking how he was so damn CUTE and being able to hear his voice again, I never thought I would!
Lets have a song.
Lets have a song.
Friday 17 June 2011
From the past
At the get-together the other evening several volunteers brought their spouses and one of these kind of knocked me sideways as I`d thought I`d never have to see her again. When she arrived I knew her face but couldn't place it, dead fish eyes I thought so knew she was someone I didn`t exactly like.
She came over "Would you prefer if I left" she said. Ah, the dull monotone voice, click, I knew exactly who she was. Feelings of nausea as memories flooded back, salty taste in mouth but deep breath to stop any tears. "No, I don`t want you to leave, all that was dealt with and finished now". I was civil to her but nothing more, I no longer hated her but that woman's in the wrong job.
I`d always held McMillan nurses in the highest regard, I`d had one of my own once and she was lovely. She listened, explained and arranged transport for me, practical and emotional advice plus what`s also needed, empathy. The lady above was Cliffs McMillan nurse, she had none of those qualities, she didn`t give crucial information despite me asking for it, broke promises and caused undue suffering due to her management of end of life care. She was part of the complaint I made regarding most of the NHS services we encountered.
But all that`s finished and hopefully my relentless complaining changed some things for the good. I`d always put the NHS and McMillan on a pedestal but as in life there`s good AND bad.
She came over "Would you prefer if I left" she said. Ah, the dull monotone voice, click, I knew exactly who she was. Feelings of nausea as memories flooded back, salty taste in mouth but deep breath to stop any tears. "No, I don`t want you to leave, all that was dealt with and finished now". I was civil to her but nothing more, I no longer hated her but that woman's in the wrong job.
I`d always held McMillan nurses in the highest regard, I`d had one of my own once and she was lovely. She listened, explained and arranged transport for me, practical and emotional advice plus what`s also needed, empathy. The lady above was Cliffs McMillan nurse, she had none of those qualities, she didn`t give crucial information despite me asking for it, broke promises and caused undue suffering due to her management of end of life care. She was part of the complaint I made regarding most of the NHS services we encountered.
But all that`s finished and hopefully my relentless complaining changed some things for the good. I`d always put the NHS and McMillan on a pedestal but as in life there`s good AND bad.
Wednesday 15 June 2011
Home
Had a few days at home catching up on things that had been waiting a while to be done. The nine new fence panels are now weatherproofed, the very dry wood just soaked the stain in so it took me ages. So I am now hankering after one of those spray-on gadgets for next time, it`s on my list underneath powerwasher.
The hedge is at last finished, me height. Now comes the fortnightly squashing as much as possible into the bin to try to clear the drive, couple of months ought to do it. During cutting my Irish neighbour turned up with his bin and took root (alcoholics make very boring conversation), he started raking about in my hedge, turned out he`d hid one of his 2L bottles of cheap and nasty fizzy cider in there so his equally thirsty girlfriend didn`t drink it. He`s a harmless sort of guy but starting to get on peoples nerves. (it also sticks in my throat that he sits on his arse all day drinking my and others tax money).
Another busy week ahead with a get-together with other charity workers Thursday evening, I may skip the invitation to Bingo though, never been before but no skill involved so no pleasure in winning.
Being at home for a few days has unsettled me again, at home I`m so aware of who`s missing, the only way I seem to be dealing with this is to almost just have home as a base and be out doing stuff all the time, how quickly a home turns into a mere house.
The hedge is at last finished, me height. Now comes the fortnightly squashing as much as possible into the bin to try to clear the drive, couple of months ought to do it. During cutting my Irish neighbour turned up with his bin and took root (alcoholics make very boring conversation), he started raking about in my hedge, turned out he`d hid one of his 2L bottles of cheap and nasty fizzy cider in there so his equally thirsty girlfriend didn`t drink it. He`s a harmless sort of guy but starting to get on peoples nerves. (it also sticks in my throat that he sits on his arse all day drinking my and others tax money).
Another busy week ahead with a get-together with other charity workers Thursday evening, I may skip the invitation to Bingo though, never been before but no skill involved so no pleasure in winning.
Being at home for a few days has unsettled me again, at home I`m so aware of who`s missing, the only way I seem to be dealing with this is to almost just have home as a base and be out doing stuff all the time, how quickly a home turns into a mere house.
Saturday 11 June 2011
Grief
When Cliff died I was given lots of booklets, info etc on grief. Having read them all, the five stages of grief, my conclusion is that they`re crap. Grief is as individual as the person themselves, it has no rules or set patterns, it is an emotional see-saw of pain.
I can distract myself, fill time, sort of get on with life but how I hate these evenings. I chat to my Cliffy, I want to believe you`re still here in some way but what if you only live in my head now, the not knowing is tearing me apart, so is the fact that I`ll never really know.
I`m stuck, life goes on round me and I`m stuck. I should move on but I don`t want to, all these memories and hurt are all I`ve got left (good memories hurt too). Moving on means leaving you behind, I can`t do that to you.
My reality is that I`m surrounded by people but lonely because you`re not there to hold my hand anymore. Every night I seem to ask the same question "What the hell am I going to do now Cliffy, gimme a cuddle". (I miss cuddles, they make everything ok).
I can distract myself, fill time, sort of get on with life but how I hate these evenings. I chat to my Cliffy, I want to believe you`re still here in some way but what if you only live in my head now, the not knowing is tearing me apart, so is the fact that I`ll never really know.
I`m stuck, life goes on round me and I`m stuck. I should move on but I don`t want to, all these memories and hurt are all I`ve got left (good memories hurt too). Moving on means leaving you behind, I can`t do that to you.
My reality is that I`m surrounded by people but lonely because you`re not there to hold my hand anymore. Every night I seem to ask the same question "What the hell am I going to do now Cliffy, gimme a cuddle". (I miss cuddles, they make everything ok).
Thursday 9 June 2011
Comments
This is a terrible way to have to answer comments but I still can`t comment as me.
Yeah Tim it is good, I`ve been to the museum several times. once when our mate was in plaster after having his leg rebuilt (roundabout and vintage motorcycle collision). I remember we had a great deal of pleasure (perhaps piss-taking) when he had to use the chair lift thingy to get him and wheelchair up to cafe. (there was an extra up/down control just where we were standing, great fun!!).
Although we don`t have a train station (seemingly closed years back, where the tracks used to run are now cycle-ways), the nearest is only an hours bus journey away, so I could head anywhere really. Just that when you`ve got to change trains with only a few mins to find your connection and in those big stations every train company have their own rep all in different colour blazers and you can`t find the right one to ask which platform you`re meant to be on. Birmingham station, first time there I remember being lost in that dark rabbit warren of a place, hunting down a platform, it was a Saturday tea-time, place was crowded with shoppers and football fans. I did make my connection but only just and now try to avoid the place. (small town girl, who`s used to a place with two platforms where friends Dad did the shunting).
The outcome will probably be that I can`t decide where to go, the weeks will fly by, it will be Autumn and I won`t have gone anywhere yet. I also find the thought of going off for a week on my own a bit strange. Haha, I know, one of those Saga holidays (wonder if I`m old enough yet??!!). Only kidding.
Yeah Tim it is good, I`ve been to the museum several times. once when our mate was in plaster after having his leg rebuilt (roundabout and vintage motorcycle collision). I remember we had a great deal of pleasure (perhaps piss-taking) when he had to use the chair lift thingy to get him and wheelchair up to cafe. (there was an extra up/down control just where we were standing, great fun!!).
Although we don`t have a train station (seemingly closed years back, where the tracks used to run are now cycle-ways), the nearest is only an hours bus journey away, so I could head anywhere really. Just that when you`ve got to change trains with only a few mins to find your connection and in those big stations every train company have their own rep all in different colour blazers and you can`t find the right one to ask which platform you`re meant to be on. Birmingham station, first time there I remember being lost in that dark rabbit warren of a place, hunting down a platform, it was a Saturday tea-time, place was crowded with shoppers and football fans. I did make my connection but only just and now try to avoid the place. (small town girl, who`s used to a place with two platforms where friends Dad did the shunting).
The outcome will probably be that I can`t decide where to go, the weeks will fly by, it will be Autumn and I won`t have gone anywhere yet. I also find the thought of going off for a week on my own a bit strange. Haha, I know, one of those Saga holidays (wonder if I`m old enough yet??!!). Only kidding.
Break
I`m thinking I`m needing a break away, though not to foreign climes. Everyone seems to be heading off on holiday and coming back showing off their tans but the sunbathing thing isn`t for me I`d get bored sitting about by a pool all day. Devon would be the first choice, I could go for a paddle but that was our place and I can`t go back, at least not yet. Then there`s Cornwall, never been, we were going to go there together last summer, so another place I can`t face yet. Maybe get the maps out tonight and see, mental note, avoid travel that involves Birmingham railway station as I get hopelessly lost in there. (in general my sense of direction is terrible).
The vast amount of jobs needing done round the house have come to a standstill, I`ve not being sitting about on my bum I`ve just been so busy with other things. Talking of bums, another mental note, do not wear low cut jeans that are now a bit too big and short tops to work, my manager said every time I bent over I was frightening customers away, <laughs>, well they shouldn`t be looking.
The vast amount of jobs needing done round the house have come to a standstill, I`ve not being sitting about on my bum I`ve just been so busy with other things. Talking of bums, another mental note, do not wear low cut jeans that are now a bit too big and short tops to work, my manager said every time I bent over I was frightening customers away, <laughs>, well they shouldn`t be looking.
Tuesday 7 June 2011
This year
I don`t feel like saying much today, this last year without Cliffy has been hell. I`m putting every effort into living again because I have to but if fate knocked on my door and said I was going to be knocked over by a bus tomorrow I`d secretly feel relieved.
A few words I heard on the radio kind of say it all.
"Where have you been all my life"....."Waiting"
"Why"......"Because I didn`t belong anywhere until I met you"
A few words I heard on the radio kind of say it all.
"Where have you been all my life"....."Waiting"
"Why"......"Because I didn`t belong anywhere until I met you"
Saturday 4 June 2011
Another small step
Decided I needed to get out of the house in the evenings so had a girly night out with a couple of the girls from work as a sort of entertainment thing was on. A lot of the women were flirting with the entertainer as he cracked his jokes but we thought he looked a bit like a younger version of Elton John, except with a mullet haircut and he was wearing those silly long pointed shoes the shops are full of that curl up at the toes and make people look like Sideshow Bob.
The two girls chatter away as much as me and we had a good laugh ( they`re my age so "girls" is stretching reality a bit but sometimes being a grown-up is dull as dishwater!!). Strangely all three of us have lost husbands, my manager who`s husband was also a biker died when she was only in her thirties so we kinda "understand" each other.
Another woman I hadn`t seen for months pinged out of nowhere and gave me a hug saying she thought I was looking a lot better than last time we met. I still think I look haggard but maybe not quite so much, smiling more helps but still being up and about at this time, 2.45am, doesn`t. I still hate going to bed, it`s all big, cold and empty.
The two girls chatter away as much as me and we had a good laugh ( they`re my age so "girls" is stretching reality a bit but sometimes being a grown-up is dull as dishwater!!). Strangely all three of us have lost husbands, my manager who`s husband was also a biker died when she was only in her thirties so we kinda "understand" each other.
Another woman I hadn`t seen for months pinged out of nowhere and gave me a hug saying she thought I was looking a lot better than last time we met. I still think I look haggard but maybe not quite so much, smiling more helps but still being up and about at this time, 2.45am, doesn`t. I still hate going to bed, it`s all big, cold and empty.
Wednesday 1 June 2011
Comments
Sorry I`ve not being answering comments lately, I`m unable to comment as each time I try it asks for log in, then starts to go round in circles, seems a cache.cookie or browser problem according to other bloggers so will be trying to sort it out.
As for seagulls, my little town in clip used to have seagull egg removals as the vast amount of droppings were coating buildings.
Also I appreciate support re how I`m doing, job etc given in comments. I`ve worked in retail before, loved my customers but sometimes when things became slow it got a bit tedious but this is so varied and the shops always busy with either customers or donations arriving. I was chatting to an old academic gentleman the other day, he was on the hunt for any books to do with Bletchley Park.
"Are you from Somerset" he asked in a thick Eire accent (I was a bit dumbfounded at that one??!!). When I told him where I was from we got onto the Scottish education system which from experience I must say is far better than in England. In Scotland the kids had nightly reading homework, with diarys so parents could comment on how things were going, any concerns etc with the teacher adding her thoughts alongside. Basically the kids got lots of reading practise with fewer falling through the net and ending up leaving school with literacy problems.
On the other hand when I started secondary school back in the 1970`s it was all a bit daunting. An ex grammer school, very formal, with dark oak panelling, huge prizewinners boards dominating the staircases and teachers with black cloaks and mortar board hats peering over large wooden desks. We sat in rows, alphabetical order and in silence, anyone who`s had a short, thick three pronged leather belt whacked down on their hands will realise why.
These days my daughter says half the lesson is spent with the teacher trying to get the kids to sit down and pay attention, those who wonder out of lesson and/or school are chased by security with walky-talkies (health and safety issue more than educational, as school would be sued if say they were run over during school hours).
Is it the parents or the teachers who perhaps have given up due to the stress of it all (little teaching, handouts are now the norm). Is it children having children, or even that when I had my kids discipline was almost frowned upon, my own experience of softly softly didn`t work, the old saying "give them an inch" is more than true.
Personally I think there needs to be balance, you shouldn`t dread going to school but neither should it be a playground where you sit and text your friends in other classrooms
Oops!! I only meant to say thanks to my supporters but once I start to waffle on!
As for seagulls, my little town in clip used to have seagull egg removals as the vast amount of droppings were coating buildings.
Also I appreciate support re how I`m doing, job etc given in comments. I`ve worked in retail before, loved my customers but sometimes when things became slow it got a bit tedious but this is so varied and the shops always busy with either customers or donations arriving. I was chatting to an old academic gentleman the other day, he was on the hunt for any books to do with Bletchley Park.
"Are you from Somerset" he asked in a thick Eire accent (I was a bit dumbfounded at that one??!!). When I told him where I was from we got onto the Scottish education system which from experience I must say is far better than in England. In Scotland the kids had nightly reading homework, with diarys so parents could comment on how things were going, any concerns etc with the teacher adding her thoughts alongside. Basically the kids got lots of reading practise with fewer falling through the net and ending up leaving school with literacy problems.
On the other hand when I started secondary school back in the 1970`s it was all a bit daunting. An ex grammer school, very formal, with dark oak panelling, huge prizewinners boards dominating the staircases and teachers with black cloaks and mortar board hats peering over large wooden desks. We sat in rows, alphabetical order and in silence, anyone who`s had a short, thick three pronged leather belt whacked down on their hands will realise why.
These days my daughter says half the lesson is spent with the teacher trying to get the kids to sit down and pay attention, those who wonder out of lesson and/or school are chased by security with walky-talkies (health and safety issue more than educational, as school would be sued if say they were run over during school hours).
Is it the parents or the teachers who perhaps have given up due to the stress of it all (little teaching, handouts are now the norm). Is it children having children, or even that when I had my kids discipline was almost frowned upon, my own experience of softly softly didn`t work, the old saying "give them an inch" is more than true.
Personally I think there needs to be balance, you shouldn`t dread going to school but neither should it be a playground where you sit and text your friends in other classrooms
Oops!! I only meant to say thanks to my supporters but once I start to waffle on!
Open book
Here I am surrounded by rolling hills and thatched cottage villages at every turn, it`s lovely but on browsing You tube I found the two things I miss about home or should I say my former home.
The sea, although I don`t miss those freezing biting winds that stung the fingers, toes and ears despite being well wrapped up in winter woollies.
The sea, although I don`t miss those freezing biting winds that stung the fingers, toes and ears despite being well wrapped up in winter woollies.
And those wide open spaces just a few miles inland.
I won`t be moving back but whether I stay here or move on is a bit of an open book.
Wednesday 25 May 2011
Doing something right
I must be doing something right as I found out yesterday that the charity is paying for me to do NVQ`s in retail. I did find it slightly amusing and ironic that I, someone who disapproves of the consumer society which has overtaken and gobbled up most of our traditional industries, (far too many old works sites turned into supermarkets or indoor shopping centres), that I am going to end up a shopping expert (tongue in cheek at "expert").
I`m actually very pleased, something else to get my teeth into and if it helps the charity I`m chuffed. I did sneak a look at the sales figures and mine were way higher than anyone else's (did i mention I love to WIN and in winning all forms of modesty go whizzing out the window!!).
I`m also very pleased that my youngest daughter has asked to help with the children's hospice fundraising. Tomorrow at school they have a celebration day to mark the end of most of their gcse`s. They get to wear fancy dress, outdoor buffet/party, free ice cream van etc. So she and her friends are heading off to school tomorrow, dressed as Robin Hood and his merry men, armed with lots of info, posters and collecting tins.
Why quite so much charity work, because it`s given me a purpose, without it all I could think of was "what the hells the point", I felt like an oxygen waster. Now at least my small contribution may be helping someone somewhere.
I`m actually very pleased, something else to get my teeth into and if it helps the charity I`m chuffed. I did sneak a look at the sales figures and mine were way higher than anyone else's (did i mention I love to WIN and in winning all forms of modesty go whizzing out the window!!).
I`m also very pleased that my youngest daughter has asked to help with the children's hospice fundraising. Tomorrow at school they have a celebration day to mark the end of most of their gcse`s. They get to wear fancy dress, outdoor buffet/party, free ice cream van etc. So she and her friends are heading off to school tomorrow, dressed as Robin Hood and his merry men, armed with lots of info, posters and collecting tins.
Why quite so much charity work, because it`s given me a purpose, without it all I could think of was "what the hells the point", I felt like an oxygen waster. Now at least my small contribution may be helping someone somewhere.
Sunday 22 May 2011
It`s been a tonic
Wow, I`ve just put a counter gadget on, came across it by chance when clicking things and can`t believe the amount of people who`ve visited, maybe not stayed but visited. I know I sometimes go on and on covering the same ground maybe more than once but that`s what`s going on in my head and doing this is my way of trying to sort things out a little because sometimes I can`t make sense of my little world and still mutter to myself "This wasn`t meant to be this way".
I`ve been thinking of my volunteering, especially the charity shop, I`ve pottered from job to job over the years and to be honest I`m enjoying this one the most. The people I work with and customers are all so nice and the fact I don`t get paid means I`m not waiting on that wage packet wondering how much the tax man has taken, I`m not working my arse off so someone else can enjoy big profits, much better giving my best to help people and last but not least I`m recycling!! I did intend to work behind the scenes but they sussed I`m a people person so find myself on the till quite a lot and although I never ever wanted to input data again they also sussed I wasn`t too bad at that and am doing the Gift Aid paperwork. To anyone who doesn`t already know, when donating anything to charity, either money or items, if you`re a tax payer, please register as a Gift Aid donor as the charity can claim back an extra 25% of donation from the tax man.
I`ve also noticed it`s only when I`m on my own with time to dwell that I sit mulling everything over and feel my stomach hit the floor, I wish I could remember without that happening as it`s a physical feeling that leaves you feeling empty and lost.
I don`t do it often but bought myself something. Last year I nearly ripped my arms off getting the 10ft hedge down to 5ft with my old loppers, as part two of hedge saga has begun (still had to stand on steps, so now getting it down to my cutting height) I invested in a set of Fiskars Geared Loppers, I love em!! 2" thick branches, snip, gone! It`s going a treat, only problem is that the driveways filling up fast.
I`ve been thinking of my volunteering, especially the charity shop, I`ve pottered from job to job over the years and to be honest I`m enjoying this one the most. The people I work with and customers are all so nice and the fact I don`t get paid means I`m not waiting on that wage packet wondering how much the tax man has taken, I`m not working my arse off so someone else can enjoy big profits, much better giving my best to help people and last but not least I`m recycling!! I did intend to work behind the scenes but they sussed I`m a people person so find myself on the till quite a lot and although I never ever wanted to input data again they also sussed I wasn`t too bad at that and am doing the Gift Aid paperwork. To anyone who doesn`t already know, when donating anything to charity, either money or items, if you`re a tax payer, please register as a Gift Aid donor as the charity can claim back an extra 25% of donation from the tax man.
I`ve also noticed it`s only when I`m on my own with time to dwell that I sit mulling everything over and feel my stomach hit the floor, I wish I could remember without that happening as it`s a physical feeling that leaves you feeling empty and lost.
I don`t do it often but bought myself something. Last year I nearly ripped my arms off getting the 10ft hedge down to 5ft with my old loppers, as part two of hedge saga has begun (still had to stand on steps, so now getting it down to my cutting height) I invested in a set of Fiskars Geared Loppers, I love em!! 2" thick branches, snip, gone! It`s going a treat, only problem is that the driveways filling up fast.
Saturday 21 May 2011
Saturday a year ago
It`s Saturday, just after 8.30am, I`d spent all night trying to get a doctor, you couldn`t breath properly, I`d half carried you out of bed onto the sofa, I was so scared. A knock at the door, she said to say goodbye, she held your hand, she was oh so subtly taking your pulse, so kind of her to make it look unclinical. Bigger gaps then quiet as I said goodbye, I hope you heard me. She left us alone, More goodbyes and without the pain you looked like Cliffy again.
I didn`t feel like I had a broken heart, it felt totally destroyed, still is but you would have hated the miserable me. I can hear the part of you who`s still with me, "I`ll put you over me knee if you don`t cheer up" you`d say. The tears come when I`m alone chatting to you in the evenings, remembering but the rest of the time I`m managing to wear a smile, although I don`t think I`ll ever stop missing you, "Love you too Cliffy!".
We played this at our wedding when signing the register, not the usual mushy ballads people have at these occasions, it made most of them laugh. So go on sing your heart out Janis.
I didn`t feel like I had a broken heart, it felt totally destroyed, still is but you would have hated the miserable me. I can hear the part of you who`s still with me, "I`ll put you over me knee if you don`t cheer up" you`d say. The tears come when I`m alone chatting to you in the evenings, remembering but the rest of the time I`m managing to wear a smile, although I don`t think I`ll ever stop missing you, "Love you too Cliffy!".
We played this at our wedding when signing the register, not the usual mushy ballads people have at these occasions, it made most of them laugh. So go on sing your heart out Janis.
Monday 16 May 2011
Trying
I think it`s probably time I made more effort to start living again, I`ve got my smile back, am laughing but it`s a life I don`t really want, I had that but unless I put more effort in I`m going to go bonkers and the years ahead are going to drag past far too slowly.
I`m still very bitter and full of self pity. "Why me, why us". I`m not the sort of person to covet "stuff", all I ever wanted was for the kids to be happy and healthy and my Cliffy. So why did life have to come along and trample all over everything, why did I have to watch the man I adore suffer and die and now face a future without him.
And under any smiles and laughter there`s still all that hurt, it wont go away, I want to be able to think of him and not hurt so much, I need to be able to stop yearning for a life that I`ll never have again, for someone who`s gone forever, the forever bit makes me want to vomit.
I don`t know if I`ll ever be happy again on the inside but am giving myself a kick up the arse (he would have) and trying to live a little.
I`m still very bitter and full of self pity. "Why me, why us". I`m not the sort of person to covet "stuff", all I ever wanted was for the kids to be happy and healthy and my Cliffy. So why did life have to come along and trample all over everything, why did I have to watch the man I adore suffer and die and now face a future without him.
And under any smiles and laughter there`s still all that hurt, it wont go away, I want to be able to think of him and not hurt so much, I need to be able to stop yearning for a life that I`ll never have again, for someone who`s gone forever, the forever bit makes me want to vomit.
I don`t know if I`ll ever be happy again on the inside but am giving myself a kick up the arse (he would have) and trying to live a little.
Friday 13 May 2011
Next weekend
I`ve been dreading next weekend, it`ll have been a year since Cliff died. I wasn`t sure what to do with myself that day, I was probably going in to work to try not to think about it too much. Then I saw in the paper that the local VMCC will be displaying bikes along the high street, ah Karma, very apt, so I`ll head off for a gander and a chat. I`m hoping there`s a Velocette there (very classy and I`ve a picture of one on my wall), that was one in our wish list and when he was in hospital asked me to wave down the chap who rides round town on one and request if Cliff could have a ride (on back as he was too ill to ride) but we didn`t have enough time.
The weekend after I`ve had a very kind invitation for a couple of days away for bank holiday so need to let my hair down and laugh a little although I suspect a little "shed envy" may set in although I`ve been thinking of extending mine.
The weekend after I`ve had a very kind invitation for a couple of days away for bank holiday so need to let my hair down and laugh a little although I suspect a little "shed envy" may set in although I`ve been thinking of extending mine.
Monday 9 May 2011
It`s finally worked
When Cliff first died I was haunted with images of him looking ill and thin, not what he really looked like, not how he`d want me to remember him, not what I wanted to remember. So I looked out some photos which I had slightly enlarged, the one at the start of this blog was one, Cliff happy in his shed and another in his favourite scruffy shorts (threadbare they`re one of my prized possessions). I don`t usually frame photos but did and put them by the bed (and yes, I still say "night night"").
It`s taken all this time but at last I can`t picture him looking ill, now I see my big hunky husband again with that devilishly naughty twinkle in his eye. "Result!!!".
My heads still all over the place, emotions still up and down but I appear to be making some very small steps in the right direction.
Strange I can write all this down but not talk to anyone in depth, think it`s because I start crying and I hate crying infront of anyone, Cliffy was the only person I could ever really share things like that with. I phone Mum regularly (but she`s her own health problems to deal with) but the rest of my family aren`t close, very occasional phone calls and cards at Christmas.
It`s taken all this time but at last I can`t picture him looking ill, now I see my big hunky husband again with that devilishly naughty twinkle in his eye. "Result!!!".
My heads still all over the place, emotions still up and down but I appear to be making some very small steps in the right direction.
Strange I can write all this down but not talk to anyone in depth, think it`s because I start crying and I hate crying infront of anyone, Cliffy was the only person I could ever really share things like that with. I phone Mum regularly (but she`s her own health problems to deal with) but the rest of my family aren`t close, very occasional phone calls and cards at Christmas.
Wednesday 4 May 2011
Not alone
It`s so easy to get caught up in the "Why us" roundabout, everyone else seems to be happily getting on with life without a care or worry while I feel like I`m stuck in a rut. Of course this is far from the truth as at work two other women have lost their husbands to cancer, one younger than me. In company I don`t look miserable, I still chat away and laugh and make ridiculously bad jokes, so to a stranger I too look like I don`t have a care. What I`m realising is that death, or illness or worry of some kind or another has visited everyone and you just have to deal with and get on with it. Dealing with it has however been very hard.
And now just because I like it.
And now just because I like it.
Saturday 30 April 2011
I`m a daft old bat
I`ve done some very daft things in my life but this takes the biscuit, I`m now going to open myself to ridicule especially from myself. I mentioned madness in an earlier post and this was something I ventured into at my lowest point last year, a point when I`d grasp at any straws going.
I was reading the local paper and saw an article about a psychic medium a subject I`d often scorned but what caught my eye was her statement that she`d never profit in any way from her gift. So having nothing better to do and nothing to loose I went to one of her monthly psychic supers. (in a local cafe the price of the "supper" seemed a bit steep for all I ate). Infact I went several times and even had a reading, things were said, hope was given BUT.
It became very clear that every widow (I hate that term, makes me think of withered old Sicilian women with headscarves and aprons) talks to their husband and rushes about making changes to their homes and/or gardens. So what couldn`t be guessed was commonplace among bereaved. Then a few things that I checked out later were totally wrong.
This wasn`t helping me at all, I wanted to KNOW, I wanted to have the proper goodbye we were robbed of to be sure he knew all I was saying to him. I suppose I wanted some kind of hope. None of it was however something only we would have known. The whole thing was actually making me feel worse.
The latest article in the paper was announcing her new psychic "business" and I felt all the more silly.
I realise now that he knew all along how I feel (I didn`t wait until he died to tell him, I told him all the time) and he`s still around, probably laughing at me for being a plonker.
I was reading the local paper and saw an article about a psychic medium a subject I`d often scorned but what caught my eye was her statement that she`d never profit in any way from her gift. So having nothing better to do and nothing to loose I went to one of her monthly psychic supers. (in a local cafe the price of the "supper" seemed a bit steep for all I ate). Infact I went several times and even had a reading, things were said, hope was given BUT.
It became very clear that every widow (I hate that term, makes me think of withered old Sicilian women with headscarves and aprons) talks to their husband and rushes about making changes to their homes and/or gardens. So what couldn`t be guessed was commonplace among bereaved. Then a few things that I checked out later were totally wrong.
This wasn`t helping me at all, I wanted to KNOW, I wanted to have the proper goodbye we were robbed of to be sure he knew all I was saying to him. I suppose I wanted some kind of hope. None of it was however something only we would have known. The whole thing was actually making me feel worse.
The latest article in the paper was announcing her new psychic "business" and I felt all the more silly.
I realise now that he knew all along how I feel (I didn`t wait until he died to tell him, I told him all the time) and he`s still around, probably laughing at me for being a plonker.
Monday 25 April 2011
holiday
Bank holiday, a couple of years back we`d have been off out somewhere having fun, last year at this time was roughly when we found out what the future had in store and now, well that`s just it, what now.
I`m trying to go with the flow but can`t help having ideas and trying to plan things slightly but just end up changing my mind every five minutes. I seem to have sorted my days out but the rest of the time is a problem. I`ve checked out most of the social life here but in this sleepy little town there`s not much on offer.
Nearly midnight and I`m not even slightly tired, really need to get down to the library as I`m running out of night-time reading material.
(Early morning added thought.....boy is my life dull!!!).
Extra addition, I`m really meant to be dusting and sweeping up vast amounts of dog hair from the floor, brain numbing jobs so I`m easily distracted. I know, some lively ear nectar is needed, no kids today so can disperse with headphones and turn the volume uppppp!!
I`m trying to go with the flow but can`t help having ideas and trying to plan things slightly but just end up changing my mind every five minutes. I seem to have sorted my days out but the rest of the time is a problem. I`ve checked out most of the social life here but in this sleepy little town there`s not much on offer.
Nearly midnight and I`m not even slightly tired, really need to get down to the library as I`m running out of night-time reading material.
(Early morning added thought.....boy is my life dull!!!).
Extra addition, I`m really meant to be dusting and sweeping up vast amounts of dog hair from the floor, brain numbing jobs so I`m easily distracted. I know, some lively ear nectar is needed, no kids today so can disperse with headphones and turn the volume uppppp!!
Thursday 21 April 2011
Dreams
Daydreaming used to be nice, now it`s not. My reality now sometimes seems unreal like it wasn`t meant to be like this at all. Then there`s the moment when I get stuck to the spot when I think to myself that if I blink really hard that I`ll hear Wobbles indicators bleeping as he comes in the drive then the front door will open and Cliffy will be home for tea. I know, DREAM ON (I`m not quite that mad yet!).
It occurred to me that I`m having to fill every minute with stuff, things to keep me busy to take my mind off this unreal world I feel I`m now in but they`re just distractions, I`m wondering if like the drugs I refused from the doctor they`re just covering the cracks not mending them because when I run out of stuff to do I feel just as bad inside.
I feel like I`m just existing, going through the motions, attempting to fill time, I don`t want to grow old on my own turning into a lonely sad old f**k, we were going to grow old disgracefully together (there were plans of mobility scooter races up our street!). I want my Cliffy back, I want to talk and laugh with him, I want to hold his hand, I want a huge squeezy cuddle, as I said, dream on!!!
Yes, I run out of things to do last night hence too much thinking, to try and cheer myself up me and Wobble had a singsong and dance round the shed to my fav Doors tracks.
It occurred to me that I`m having to fill every minute with stuff, things to keep me busy to take my mind off this unreal world I feel I`m now in but they`re just distractions, I`m wondering if like the drugs I refused from the doctor they`re just covering the cracks not mending them because when I run out of stuff to do I feel just as bad inside.
I feel like I`m just existing, going through the motions, attempting to fill time, I don`t want to grow old on my own turning into a lonely sad old f**k, we were going to grow old disgracefully together (there were plans of mobility scooter races up our street!). I want my Cliffy back, I want to talk and laugh with him, I want to hold his hand, I want a huge squeezy cuddle, as I said, dream on!!!
Yes, I run out of things to do last night hence too much thinking, to try and cheer myself up me and Wobble had a singsong and dance round the shed to my fav Doors tracks.
Wednesday 20 April 2011
Tree
Another of my things is that I`ve been helping out in the BHF charity shop for a wee while. I chose that one because Cliffs heart operation had improved his life so much that I wanted to give something back. Initially I`d said that I only wanted to help behind the scenes (I hate gloomy long faced shop assistants who find it hard to crack a smile or have a bit of idle banter).
But one morning, as there was no-one else, I found myself serving people. It`s a very busy shop and the constant stream of customers meant time flew by but more importantly I was so busy I didn`t have time to be gloomy and enjoyed chatting to people more like I used to. Plus the manager and other volunteers there are a lovely bunch and have helped me far more than the so called councillor.
Evenings are still bad, don`t quite know what to do with myself, usually end up reading. I still can`t settle in my own living room, I hate it, it`s just full of memories of THAT morning.
I`d asked Greenhaven burial ground to let me know as soon as Cliff got his tree, I got a text yesterday with just two words, I`m not quite sure why but they made me cry. "Silver Birch"
But one morning, as there was no-one else, I found myself serving people. It`s a very busy shop and the constant stream of customers meant time flew by but more importantly I was so busy I didn`t have time to be gloomy and enjoyed chatting to people more like I used to. Plus the manager and other volunteers there are a lovely bunch and have helped me far more than the so called councillor.
Evenings are still bad, don`t quite know what to do with myself, usually end up reading. I still can`t settle in my own living room, I hate it, it`s just full of memories of THAT morning.
I`d asked Greenhaven burial ground to let me know as soon as Cliff got his tree, I got a text yesterday with just two words, I`m not quite sure why but they made me cry. "Silver Birch"
Saturday 16 April 2011
Tired
A combination of lack of sleep, rushing about and bad diet are catching up on me, I`m feeling worn out (I actually forgot to post my nieces birthday card in time as sometimes the days and weeks seem to merge into each other).
I don`t enjoy food anymore and tend to eat when my stomach starts to audibly rumble or I start to feel slightly giddy and then it`s a quick fix from Greggs the bakers in the form of a doughnut to get the old blood sugar up. I even resorted to readymeals for a while but couldn`t be bothered eating a whole one and they`re too expensive to keep on ending up in the dogs.
Thinking about it I live on a diet of coffee, sugar, multivitamins and cigarettes. I used to worry about the smoking, always trying to cut down, now I don`t give a toss. Late last year a doctor said the heavy smoking would shorten my life "yeah, I know" I said with a smile.
I don`t enjoy food anymore and tend to eat when my stomach starts to audibly rumble or I start to feel slightly giddy and then it`s a quick fix from Greggs the bakers in the form of a doughnut to get the old blood sugar up. I even resorted to readymeals for a while but couldn`t be bothered eating a whole one and they`re too expensive to keep on ending up in the dogs.
Thinking about it I live on a diet of coffee, sugar, multivitamins and cigarettes. I used to worry about the smoking, always trying to cut down, now I don`t give a toss. Late last year a doctor said the heavy smoking would shorten my life "yeah, I know" I said with a smile.
Tuesday 12 April 2011
Yo-yo
One step forewords and five back, I`ll have a day that isn`t too bad then crash down again. I`d been so busy lately that the usual chaos at home had turned to mayhem (kids are off school and college for 2 weeks), so decided to have a day at home doing a tidy. Actually it`s my room that`s worst, cd`s, books, mags, dvd`s everywhere (my nocturnal time passers), I couldn`t find my boots the other morning under it all.
In the middle of my clear up a song came on the cd, ouch, I looked at Cliffs photos and that was it. I was always a bit of a daydreamer but now an hour passes in an instant and there I am stuck to the spot, staring at his picture crying again.
The song, it reminds me of those lazy Sunday mornings, "Nip down and get us a coffee" he`d say, so it was the coffee I usually spilt on the bed. From Aqualung here`s a more recent version of this pretty song.
In the middle of my clear up a song came on the cd, ouch, I looked at Cliffs photos and that was it. I was always a bit of a daydreamer but now an hour passes in an instant and there I am stuck to the spot, staring at his picture crying again.
The song, it reminds me of those lazy Sunday mornings, "Nip down and get us a coffee" he`d say, so it was the coffee I usually spilt on the bed. From Aqualung here`s a more recent version of this pretty song.
Monday 11 April 2011
Battle of the sexes
I`m guilty of making huge sweeping generalities, this one has nothing to do with what people look like, how rich or poor, intelligent or not, this gripe is purely about gender (sfb can be excluded from this). I`ll probably insult both sexes but in my experience (as all people are not the same), men are by far the most sensitive of the sexes and women can be very ruthless. Perhaps it`s due to the feminist thing that women feel they have to be tough but they`ve not only won equality but have lost something along the way.
An example, on Friday I had virtually the same conversation with two people, the first a woman around my age, I was talking about how I was feeling and her advice was to put on some lippy and go out and flirt to cheer myself up (I thought she was mad), the second was a man covered in tattoos and piercings who said not to worry or rush things. One example but not a one off.
I can`t remember the last time I had a full nights sleep and after a busy week there I was sitting having my new tattoo done (I love daisies and instead of taking flowers to the cemetery to wither I have my own special flowers for Cliffy), the tingly feeling is very relaxing and I almost dozed off.
An example, on Friday I had virtually the same conversation with two people, the first a woman around my age, I was talking about how I was feeling and her advice was to put on some lippy and go out and flirt to cheer myself up (I thought she was mad), the second was a man covered in tattoos and piercings who said not to worry or rush things. One example but not a one off.
I can`t remember the last time I had a full nights sleep and after a busy week there I was sitting having my new tattoo done (I love daisies and instead of taking flowers to the cemetery to wither I have my own special flowers for Cliffy), the tingly feeling is very relaxing and I almost dozed off.
Wednesday 6 April 2011
A glimpse of the old me
Yesterday a woman I know was viewing what was branded as an adhesive bra (chicken fillets), I`d never seen a pair of those in reality so was into the box in a flash, ugh, cold, slimey and gooey, very unpleasant feeling I told her. And as she screwed her face up I couldn`t resist and went to squidge one in her face and yesss, she squealed, loudly, TOO EASY, you`re just a big kid she said, so maybe there`s hope for me yet.
I miss having fun, I don`t want to be one of those people who takes life oh so seriously, doesn`t really get you anywhere except that laughter lines turn to wrinkles. I need to laugh more despite how I`m feeling inside.
Talking of being taken seriously, last year for one of the meetings I had with some nhs bigwigs I decided to look the part, heels (short people are at a disadvantage straightaway), black dressy trousers and jacket, hair pulled up so it looked like one of those hair do`s that wouldn`t move an inch in a wind tunnel and even make-up. I looked in the mirror and thought "that isn`t me, that wont do at all", so pulled on my jeans and a t-shirt, mules, shook my head to release hair and wiped the crap off my face, much better, I hate people trying to be something they`re not.
I`m not a huge Kinks fan but the words here are rather apt, who`d want life to be that boring.
I miss having fun, I don`t want to be one of those people who takes life oh so seriously, doesn`t really get you anywhere except that laughter lines turn to wrinkles. I need to laugh more despite how I`m feeling inside.
Talking of being taken seriously, last year for one of the meetings I had with some nhs bigwigs I decided to look the part, heels (short people are at a disadvantage straightaway), black dressy trousers and jacket, hair pulled up so it looked like one of those hair do`s that wouldn`t move an inch in a wind tunnel and even make-up. I looked in the mirror and thought "that isn`t me, that wont do at all", so pulled on my jeans and a t-shirt, mules, shook my head to release hair and wiped the crap off my face, much better, I hate people trying to be something they`re not.
I`m not a huge Kinks fan but the words here are rather apt, who`d want life to be that boring.
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Light relief
After the somewhat gloomy last posting I thought I`d have an ahhhh moment with this so so cute wee guy, look at his face when she stops, it`s another of those clips that the girls find and call me through to see.
Monday 4 April 2011
Spilling beans
I can talk about Cliff to people no problem but when it comes to his illness I feel choked and have hold back emotion, when it comes to how I feel I can`t really talk freely at all as I`d start blubbing and I hate crying in public, totally undignified and something to store up untill I`m on my own, that`s why I wanted someone neutral to spill the beans to. But surely this is a very public platform, yes but here I can say what I want, when I want and no-one sees the tears, red eyes and runny nose.
One of the reasons I was so angry at the medical profession was that they robbed us of a proper goodbye, they promised they could control the symptoms enough for Cliff to live a reasonable life for several months, what they didn`t mention was that this was guesswork, pure assumption. So we tried to keep our spirits up, no need to dwell on the outcome just yet, we had a bit of time. But within days we were told the end was imminent and at that point liver failure had begun. Liver failure effects, speech, memory and reasoning and although always fully conscious it was too late, my Cliffy was trapped in a body that was shutting down.
There were brief moments when he came back, I saw in his eyes but only minutes here an there just enough time for promises to be made, both of us asked for something but not the goodbye either of us would have wanted. One of the hardest things was part of me wanted his suffering to stop, for him to escape but the other didn`t want him to go, I wanted to keep him forever. He didn`t want to go and in his words "fought like a bastard", even on the morning he died, with a little help from me, he managed to get himself out of bed and onto the sofa next to it, he was a very determinned individual and he wanted to sit there not lie about in bed.
Sometimes I think about what we`d be doing if he were here, think it wasn`t meant to be like this, he was far too young to die and the years ahead feel like a prison sentence. I miss him, of course I want him back but that`s never going to happen. One of the last things I said to him before he left the house was to keep my side warm as I wouldn`t be long. I`m not suicidal, I love my kids and would never do that to them but I hope I`m not too long, I don`t really want to be here anymore, I want to be with Cliffy, the worlds very monochrome without him.
One of the reasons I was so angry at the medical profession was that they robbed us of a proper goodbye, they promised they could control the symptoms enough for Cliff to live a reasonable life for several months, what they didn`t mention was that this was guesswork, pure assumption. So we tried to keep our spirits up, no need to dwell on the outcome just yet, we had a bit of time. But within days we were told the end was imminent and at that point liver failure had begun. Liver failure effects, speech, memory and reasoning and although always fully conscious it was too late, my Cliffy was trapped in a body that was shutting down.
There were brief moments when he came back, I saw in his eyes but only minutes here an there just enough time for promises to be made, both of us asked for something but not the goodbye either of us would have wanted. One of the hardest things was part of me wanted his suffering to stop, for him to escape but the other didn`t want him to go, I wanted to keep him forever. He didn`t want to go and in his words "fought like a bastard", even on the morning he died, with a little help from me, he managed to get himself out of bed and onto the sofa next to it, he was a very determinned individual and he wanted to sit there not lie about in bed.
Sometimes I think about what we`d be doing if he were here, think it wasn`t meant to be like this, he was far too young to die and the years ahead feel like a prison sentence. I miss him, of course I want him back but that`s never going to happen. One of the last things I said to him before he left the house was to keep my side warm as I wouldn`t be long. I`m not suicidal, I love my kids and would never do that to them but I hope I`m not too long, I don`t really want to be here anymore, I want to be with Cliffy, the worlds very monochrome without him.
Saturday 2 April 2011
Weekends
I used to love weekends they were always fun, now they are just more days to fill. On a pension and someone who lives very modestly I could have spent the rest of my life sitting on my backside but in a life that now feels so meaningless I decided to do something worthwhile.
Paid jobs in the charity sector usually require graduates, I left education after A levels and after a couple of years doing spreadsheets I never really wanted to sit behind a desk again. So for now I`m a volunteer, manual, tiring and best of all worthwhile, plus I get to work weekends so less time to think and dwell.
I`d received some birthday money from Mum, it was going to go in the new guttering fund but she insisted it was to be spent on me not the house. I hate buying things for me, never know what I want but yesterday after a day of sorting and carrying, I decided my left arm looked rather bare so on my way home popped into see young Dan (the kids tell me off for adding the prefix young to anyone under around 30) So I`m booked in for new tattoo on Friday, they`re lovely in there and Dan doesn`t mind my constant chattering.
After grabbing a sandwich I settled down to watch Brief Encounter, the kids hate it because "Nothing happens", "But the atmosphere, the bit where she says goodbye from the train, the romance", I say but no the kids have none of my sentiment which is maybe a good thing in a world full of sharp edges.
Paid jobs in the charity sector usually require graduates, I left education after A levels and after a couple of years doing spreadsheets I never really wanted to sit behind a desk again. So for now I`m a volunteer, manual, tiring and best of all worthwhile, plus I get to work weekends so less time to think and dwell.
I`d received some birthday money from Mum, it was going to go in the new guttering fund but she insisted it was to be spent on me not the house. I hate buying things for me, never know what I want but yesterday after a day of sorting and carrying, I decided my left arm looked rather bare so on my way home popped into see young Dan (the kids tell me off for adding the prefix young to anyone under around 30) So I`m booked in for new tattoo on Friday, they`re lovely in there and Dan doesn`t mind my constant chattering.
After grabbing a sandwich I settled down to watch Brief Encounter, the kids hate it because "Nothing happens", "But the atmosphere, the bit where she says goodbye from the train, the romance", I say but no the kids have none of my sentiment which is maybe a good thing in a world full of sharp edges.
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Still Sorting
I`m still slowly sorting through Cliffs things, but not just stuff, these are all the things that made up part of his life, HIS things and I`ve to decide what stays what goes, what`s important and what`s not. And every time something goes into a charity bag I almost feel like I`m erasing a part of him. Closing accounts, sending back driving licence, unsubscribing to things all felt awful and was put off for as long as possible. The bank manager did sympathise as he noticed my expression when he cut up the cheque book, he let me keep the bank card and said he`d say I`d already destroyed it. Might seem odd but I just wanted something with his name on in the same way as I`ve not had the heart to change our e-mail address. I`m so pleased some of the forum members have accepted and are able to make use of some of the things from the shed, he`d have liked that.
Of course I`ve still kept a lot, things with memories are especially important. His helmet, yes those do hold smells and even when I couldn`t hear him I knew he was singing when it bobbed from side to side. Leather, tough, durable but more importantly it molds into and memorises the wearer, so his para boots and gloves are my treasures, this is going to sound so soppy but one glove lives under my pillow so I can, in a way, hold his hand.
Of course I`ve still kept a lot, things with memories are especially important. His helmet, yes those do hold smells and even when I couldn`t hear him I knew he was singing when it bobbed from side to side. Leather, tough, durable but more importantly it molds into and memorises the wearer, so his para boots and gloves are my treasures, this is going to sound so soppy but one glove lives under my pillow so I can, in a way, hold his hand.
Monday 28 March 2011
Easy Prey
I was approached the other day by a big bloke with a beard and wearing a Suzuki t-shirt, "you look sad", he said. I recognised him straight away as the biker minister from the local community church. He was a pleasant sort of guy so I voiced my support for the foodbank he`d set up, giving food that the big supermarkets would otherwise throw away to those in need and for the free lunches his church gave to the same. But then it came, the spanner in the works to ruin any nice chat, "lets say a prayer together, gods looking out for you and Jesus loves you", he said. I think he was rather taken back by the horror in my voice, "No, that would be totally hypocritical of me and although jesus may have been a nice bloke, son of god, I don`t think so",
Then the jehovah witnesses, who I`d normally turn away, had come to the door when I was crying, I need of a chat I rambled on, after their second visit I thought I`d bored them away as an hour standing on someones doorstep must be tedious. But they were back this week and told me Cliff would be back on the day of reckoning, "in spirit" I questioned, "Oh no, flesh and blood", they said. So after much digging as they were trying so hard to avoid any answer, which I already knew, they said it. Nothing at all to do with how nice someone is, doesn`t matter if they are selfless and kind. This one off offer is to paid up members only!!
So no, I`m not about to be sucked into some religion to ease my pain but do I believe that there is more to life than science can explain and prove, yes. If we were nothing more than genes and synapses then I think the world would be a very boring place.
Then the jehovah witnesses, who I`d normally turn away, had come to the door when I was crying, I need of a chat I rambled on, after their second visit I thought I`d bored them away as an hour standing on someones doorstep must be tedious. But they were back this week and told me Cliff would be back on the day of reckoning, "in spirit" I questioned, "Oh no, flesh and blood", they said. So after much digging as they were trying so hard to avoid any answer, which I already knew, they said it. Nothing at all to do with how nice someone is, doesn`t matter if they are selfless and kind. This one off offer is to paid up members only!!
So no, I`m not about to be sucked into some religion to ease my pain but do I believe that there is more to life than science can explain and prove, yes. If we were nothing more than genes and synapses then I think the world would be a very boring place.
Saturday 26 March 2011
Plans
We always liked making plans, enlarging the shed, making a huge bathroom out of the extension, early retirement and touring Europe for an indefinite time, then perhaps even Australia. We`d get the maps out, plan routes, circle places we`d each not want to miss. Then the wish list of bikes that was changed or added to constantly. Whether all these things happened wasn`t really the point, we were going to grow old together with everything to look forwards to.
Now I try not to think of the future as without him I see it as empty and all a bit pointless but having nothing at all to plan for basically sucks.
Since moving here I`d become guilty of keeping things I didn`t need "just in case" so every charity bag that falls through my letterbox gets filled and the binmen must curse the heaviness of all the junk I squeeze into the bin. One of our plans was that once the kids left home we`d move to a smaller house but with a bigger shed/garage, so now decluttered I may well just go ahead with that one once I`m on my own.
Now I try not to think of the future as without him I see it as empty and all a bit pointless but having nothing at all to plan for basically sucks.
Since moving here I`d become guilty of keeping things I didn`t need "just in case" so every charity bag that falls through my letterbox gets filled and the binmen must curse the heaviness of all the junk I squeeze into the bin. One of our plans was that once the kids left home we`d move to a smaller house but with a bigger shed/garage, so now decluttered I may well just go ahead with that one once I`m on my own.
Friday 25 March 2011
Getting things out helps
I want to thank all 3 followers for recent support. We talked about your friend Tim when you popped in for a cuppy, he wasn`t looking foreward to christmas. I joined in with the kids but felt very detached, that also happens if I`m out on my own, everyones busy getting on with their lives and I feel stuck somewhere also the alone in a crowd can happen no matter how many people I`m with.
I hope your friends counselling helps more than mine did. I`d pinned my hopes on it making me feel better, that I could open my heart to someone neutral, say things I`d normally keep to myself but she focused on practicalities not feelings as I`d hoped for. There was also a big clash of personalities, empathy wasn`t her thing. So now this.
When I see middle aged couples holding hands it still makes my stomach churn, it feels like it`s sunk to the ground then other things make me bite my tongue. there was a couple on the bus the other day, he stared straight ahead, she out the window for the whole hour long journey. I wanted to squeal at them, "for goodness sake talk to each other, you don`t know how lucky you are".
Right now the one thing I really want is something I can never have and the one person to give me a big huge hug and make me feel better isn`t here.
Good old Wobble, I uncovered him today, gave him an airing. There`s still a faint smell of petrol plus the 2 stroke I splashed round in the tank. He was always reliable, always started, except the incident with electrics in the snow, always got us home safely. I don`t think the wiring on the new warning lights was ever finished (key removal with pilot light on, very dodgy business). Infact talking of his last big ride in the snow, I think I spotted some salt deposits in his fins so will need to get an old toothbrush in there. Other bikes came and went but not Wobble, Cliff used to say I could fiddle with any but never Wobble, so the picture of Cliff that the forum gave me, such a lovely thought, is positioned in the shed overlooking Wobble so Cliff can keep an eye on me. Maybe one day Wobble will find a new home but for now and the forseeable future he can live with me. There`s not much room in the shed for taking photos but here he is.
I hope your friends counselling helps more than mine did. I`d pinned my hopes on it making me feel better, that I could open my heart to someone neutral, say things I`d normally keep to myself but she focused on practicalities not feelings as I`d hoped for. There was also a big clash of personalities, empathy wasn`t her thing. So now this.
When I see middle aged couples holding hands it still makes my stomach churn, it feels like it`s sunk to the ground then other things make me bite my tongue. there was a couple on the bus the other day, he stared straight ahead, she out the window for the whole hour long journey. I wanted to squeal at them, "for goodness sake talk to each other, you don`t know how lucky you are".
Right now the one thing I really want is something I can never have and the one person to give me a big huge hug and make me feel better isn`t here.
Good old Wobble, I uncovered him today, gave him an airing. There`s still a faint smell of petrol plus the 2 stroke I splashed round in the tank. He was always reliable, always started, except the incident with electrics in the snow, always got us home safely. I don`t think the wiring on the new warning lights was ever finished (key removal with pilot light on, very dodgy business). Infact talking of his last big ride in the snow, I think I spotted some salt deposits in his fins so will need to get an old toothbrush in there. Other bikes came and went but not Wobble, Cliff used to say I could fiddle with any but never Wobble, so the picture of Cliff that the forum gave me, such a lovely thought, is positioned in the shed overlooking Wobble so Cliff can keep an eye on me. Maybe one day Wobble will find a new home but for now and the forseeable future he can live with me. There`s not much room in the shed for taking photos but here he is.
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Music
I`ve become used to putting on a brave face (but I`m really not in the slightest bit brave), someone who lost his wife asked me if people are avoiding me yet as he found some didn`t know what to say regarding his loss. That`s not been my experience but I`ve found that some people are expecting me to be feeling better by now, so when people ask how I am my answer tends to be "not too bad", the real answer leaves some stuck for words.
I can appear reasonably normal (I don`t really like that word it`s a bit meaningless) in company but if I`m not distracting myself when alone it`s too easy to wallow. Music helps although that too can evoke memories but I prefer the feelings of raw emotion it brings to the constant mulling things over I usually have spinning round in my head.
This was one of those we danced round the shed to, this one makes me smile.
I can appear reasonably normal (I don`t really like that word it`s a bit meaningless) in company but if I`m not distracting myself when alone it`s too easy to wallow. Music helps although that too can evoke memories but I prefer the feelings of raw emotion it brings to the constant mulling things over I usually have spinning round in my head.
This was one of those we danced round the shed to, this one makes me smile.
Monday 21 March 2011
It was meant to be me
After Cliffs heart operation he was fighting fit, no more angina pains, it was me who`d been affected by cancer, I was the reason we`d looked at the Greenhaven Burial Ground, I was the reason we wrote our wills a couple of years ago when we thought it may have come back.
It had all started late 2000, I woke up one morning with a severe hot burning pain and blood. Straight to the doctor who said it was probably a cyst. I went to the clinic for a biopsy and was told that day they`d found abnormal cells. I felt numb, more worried for the people I may have to leave behind than for me. More biopsys, not a long needle this time but more like an apple corer for the dozen or so samples, felt like I was being punched every time he pressed the button.
Then the operation, how much they took depended on what they found. I woke and peeked under the covers phew still two, breast cancer is very scary. The surgeon came round and said they`d removed the golfball sized tumour but cells had spread from it but not to the lymph nodes they`d removed from under my arm and that radiotherapy should kill those remainning.
They said treatment may burn, hmm I looked and felt like I`d been scalded. Then all was fine untill a couple of years ago when the pain started again but after more tests and biopsys they told me the treatment and op were the cause.
Cliff was so very brave, it was me who wasn`t, I felt so useless, I wanted to help him but couldn`t do a thing to change the outcome, I wanted to swop places, I wanted it to be me not him.
It had all started late 2000, I woke up one morning with a severe hot burning pain and blood. Straight to the doctor who said it was probably a cyst. I went to the clinic for a biopsy and was told that day they`d found abnormal cells. I felt numb, more worried for the people I may have to leave behind than for me. More biopsys, not a long needle this time but more like an apple corer for the dozen or so samples, felt like I was being punched every time he pressed the button.
Then the operation, how much they took depended on what they found. I woke and peeked under the covers phew still two, breast cancer is very scary. The surgeon came round and said they`d removed the golfball sized tumour but cells had spread from it but not to the lymph nodes they`d removed from under my arm and that radiotherapy should kill those remainning.
They said treatment may burn, hmm I looked and felt like I`d been scalded. Then all was fine untill a couple of years ago when the pain started again but after more tests and biopsys they told me the treatment and op were the cause.
Cliff was so very brave, it was me who wasn`t, I felt so useless, I wanted to help him but couldn`t do a thing to change the outcome, I wanted to swop places, I wanted it to be me not him.
Those attics
Other people manage to get through this why not me, my Dad died in his fifties but we weren`t close, my Grandparents but both in their ninetys, it was time, but someone who you love and share your whole life with is so different, so hard. We were best friends, did things together, both chatty we talked endlessly, laughed, hugged and were just happy being together.
He never left or came back without giving me a hug, my recent tumble out of bed, I`ve moved to his side so I don`t have to see his empty space, half asleep I`d rolled over for my usual morning cuddle and landed face down on the floor, laughing at myself I looked up at his photograph, I`m sure he was smirking at me. I miss not having his hand to hold and his voice. It`s strange I can clearly remember things we did together, I can picture every inch of him but can`t make myself hear his voice no matter how hard I try.
Probably more a girly thing (?) but you dream of meeting someone who`s just right and I did except he was better than I`d ever imagined. When you`re feeling down you always try to look ahead and as emotions are transient you know there`s light at the end of the tunnel but I`ve already had my dream and know that whatever happens I`ll never feel so happy again.
Cliff was the most decent man I`ve ever met, he soaked up knowledge like a sponge, stoic, could make me crease up with laughter and kept his promise and treated me like a princess. But what he had bundles of was charisma and it shone through in those sparkly crystal blue eyes. The greatest compliment he ever gave me was when he said "you`re the female version of me, me with bumps". Near the end he looked at me and said with a grin, "I`ve ruinned you for any normal man". He was right!
I`ve read in those bereavment help leaflets "it`s like loosing a limb" no it`s not, who wrotes this stuff, it`s like having your soul ripped out..
Now for those attics.
He never left or came back without giving me a hug, my recent tumble out of bed, I`ve moved to his side so I don`t have to see his empty space, half asleep I`d rolled over for my usual morning cuddle and landed face down on the floor, laughing at myself I looked up at his photograph, I`m sure he was smirking at me. I miss not having his hand to hold and his voice. It`s strange I can clearly remember things we did together, I can picture every inch of him but can`t make myself hear his voice no matter how hard I try.
Probably more a girly thing (?) but you dream of meeting someone who`s just right and I did except he was better than I`d ever imagined. When you`re feeling down you always try to look ahead and as emotions are transient you know there`s light at the end of the tunnel but I`ve already had my dream and know that whatever happens I`ll never feel so happy again.
Cliff was the most decent man I`ve ever met, he soaked up knowledge like a sponge, stoic, could make me crease up with laughter and kept his promise and treated me like a princess. But what he had bundles of was charisma and it shone through in those sparkly crystal blue eyes. The greatest compliment he ever gave me was when he said "you`re the female version of me, me with bumps". Near the end he looked at me and said with a grin, "I`ve ruinned you for any normal man". He was right!
I`ve read in those bereavment help leaflets "it`s like loosing a limb" no it`s not, who wrotes this stuff, it`s like having your soul ripped out..
Now for those attics.
Sunday 20 March 2011
Not true
"I`d have nothing", no that`s bollox. There is something, something that I`ve focused on and sometimes the only reason I bother anymore, the girls. I`ve discovered that nothing is for certain hence one of the reasons I wanted the mortgage paid off, for them. I wanted them to be secure "if".I love my kids who have had to put up with me sulking about for the past year.
Hard at times 3 females in a house, sometimes they`re the best of mates, next minute hate each other. In the past I tried to act as peacemaker but they`d make up and somehow it would be all my fault, so now I keep well out of such things and make for the teenager-free zone of the shed when I hear raised voices.
After my own very strict upbringing I know I`ve been far too soft with them, they told me I`m too much of a pushover but this last year I`ve made it quite clear what I expect behaviour wise and now the worst of those teenage years have passed think we`re doing ok.
Went shopping with my oldest yesterday and for the first time in years she actually asked my opinion on things she was trying on even though she thinks my clothes sense is boring. She`s right everything I own is black or dark purple or dark red or !!! and yes when I find something that fits I`ll buy more than one to save having to go shopping again or trail round yet more shops that are all full of near identical clothes anyway.
So for now all I want out of life is to see them get on and be happy.
Hard at times 3 females in a house, sometimes they`re the best of mates, next minute hate each other. In the past I tried to act as peacemaker but they`d make up and somehow it would be all my fault, so now I keep well out of such things and make for the teenager-free zone of the shed when I hear raised voices.
After my own very strict upbringing I know I`ve been far too soft with them, they told me I`m too much of a pushover but this last year I`ve made it quite clear what I expect behaviour wise and now the worst of those teenage years have passed think we`re doing ok.
Went shopping with my oldest yesterday and for the first time in years she actually asked my opinion on things she was trying on even though she thinks my clothes sense is boring. She`s right everything I own is black or dark purple or dark red or !!! and yes when I find something that fits I`ll buy more than one to save having to go shopping again or trail round yet more shops that are all full of near identical clothes anyway.
So for now all I want out of life is to see them get on and be happy.
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Another Year Older
But not deeper in debt! Infact I hate the thought of any kind of debt so much that I`ve been throwing every penny I can into the mortgage, I`ve squeezed things so tight that it`s make do and mend, I tended to do that anyway so don`t mind. The bank weren`t too pleased with my overpayments, "are you absolutely sure, you`re not leaving yourself much, you`ve years left to pay" they insisted. Yes, years worth of interest they`re not going to receive.
I did splash out on a new digital tv but only because the old one was on it`s last legs and we`re having the switchover in a few months. Only 26"" said the kids. I hate those mega huge tv`s especially as I hardly ever watch although there`s a lovely little show on at 5am called Wildlife SOS which I catch most mornings. I much prefer my dab radio, the mind can make much better pictures than a tv screen.
I look and feel ten years older rather than one, cigarettes, coffee, lack of sleep and the way I feel have all contributed. Life has become an effort rather than a joy. What now I think to myself, I`ll probably be here on my own in a couple of years, I`ve no ties to this place, I could go anywhere, not Scotland that`s going backward. Ah but memories, the house is full of them, maybe turning into a decrepit Miss Haversham is the way to go.
I feel sorry for myself then feel guilty and pathetic, what I`m going through is nothing compared to what Cliff faced both mentally and physically (we`ll make you comfortable with pain control is a lie). My councillor said she wasn`t going to take my grief away as without it I`d have nothing, mostly I feel that she was right.
I did splash out on a new digital tv but only because the old one was on it`s last legs and we`re having the switchover in a few months. Only 26"" said the kids. I hate those mega huge tv`s especially as I hardly ever watch although there`s a lovely little show on at 5am called Wildlife SOS which I catch most mornings. I much prefer my dab radio, the mind can make much better pictures than a tv screen.
I look and feel ten years older rather than one, cigarettes, coffee, lack of sleep and the way I feel have all contributed. Life has become an effort rather than a joy. What now I think to myself, I`ll probably be here on my own in a couple of years, I`ve no ties to this place, I could go anywhere, not Scotland that`s going backward. Ah but memories, the house is full of them, maybe turning into a decrepit Miss Haversham is the way to go.
I feel sorry for myself then feel guilty and pathetic, what I`m going through is nothing compared to what Cliff faced both mentally and physically (we`ll make you comfortable with pain control is a lie). My councillor said she wasn`t going to take my grief away as without it I`d have nothing, mostly I feel that she was right.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
The cuddly ones
The dogs of course wanted to appear on my blog, sitting still or poking their noses into the camera is always a bit of a hassle but here`s Doogie. Her favourite passtimes are eating and sleeping. She used to be head of security untill Bouncer arrived and she was more than happy for him to take over while she has a snooze. She`s very tolerant of her little sidekick whilst he pulls her back legs or ears in an attempt to get her to play, she`s laid back to say the very least.
Bouncer on the other hand likes to help and keep busy,.regular patrols of boundry fence is case of invasion by felines or else he`s helping me paint so covered in emulsion. Unlike Doogie he craves attention and cuddles, is a bit of a big baby and has a vast collection of toys and bones.
They love visitors but a bit too much, get over excited and bound on people much to my embarrassment, otherwise a great pair.
Bouncer on the other hand likes to help and keep busy,.regular patrols of boundry fence is case of invasion by felines or else he`s helping me paint so covered in emulsion. Unlike Doogie he craves attention and cuddles, is a bit of a big baby and has a vast collection of toys and bones.
They love visitors but a bit too much, get over excited and bound on people much to my embarrassment, otherwise a great pair.
Friday 11 March 2011
Why am I writng this, partly because there`s so much rattling round in my head that maybe writing some of it down will help make room for me again. I look in the mirror and all the sparkle that he loved has gone, he hated people with bland expressions and dead eyes.
Last year I thought by keeping myself busy, throwing myself into everything that I wouldn`t have time to think (wrong), that after some time had passed I`d not hurt so much (wrong). Yes, my stomach has stopped churning enough for me to eat again, I do get a few hours sleep a night and do all the everyday things needed to survive in this world but as time passes I miss him more and more.
So I pinned my hopes on councilling, maybe that would bring some normality back. The councillor who herself had never been married came out with cliches such as "you`ve got to more on" and "crying wont bring him back" (as if I didn`t know that one!) and "he didn`t pass away, he`s dead" (yes, that`s why I need you to try to help me).
My doctors solution was to offer me Diazepam which I refused as it`s a bit like putting a picture up to hide a damp patch which grows and festers underneath.
I did worry that I was feeling worse rather than better, that sometimes I felt I was losing the plot, then I remembered a quote from Robert Pirsig`s Lila. "If there were only one person in the world, is there any way he could be insane? Insanity always exists in relation to others". So do I really care what society thinks, no not really, I don`t want their councilling or drugs, I`m not going to try to stop thinking about him just because it hurts, I`ll take one day at a time and go with the flow. Besides he told me he`d stick around and he never broke a promise, so he`s coming too. And if all else fails there`s the good ole family motto "f***em".
Just heard a Harley passing, nice sound, so music that echo`s the heartbeat of a Harley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtDd5htZ_A8
Last year I thought by keeping myself busy, throwing myself into everything that I wouldn`t have time to think (wrong), that after some time had passed I`d not hurt so much (wrong). Yes, my stomach has stopped churning enough for me to eat again, I do get a few hours sleep a night and do all the everyday things needed to survive in this world but as time passes I miss him more and more.
So I pinned my hopes on councilling, maybe that would bring some normality back. The councillor who herself had never been married came out with cliches such as "you`ve got to more on" and "crying wont bring him back" (as if I didn`t know that one!) and "he didn`t pass away, he`s dead" (yes, that`s why I need you to try to help me).
My doctors solution was to offer me Diazepam which I refused as it`s a bit like putting a picture up to hide a damp patch which grows and festers underneath.
I did worry that I was feeling worse rather than better, that sometimes I felt I was losing the plot, then I remembered a quote from Robert Pirsig`s Lila. "If there were only one person in the world, is there any way he could be insane? Insanity always exists in relation to others". So do I really care what society thinks, no not really, I don`t want their councilling or drugs, I`m not going to try to stop thinking about him just because it hurts, I`ll take one day at a time and go with the flow. Besides he told me he`d stick around and he never broke a promise, so he`s coming too. And if all else fails there`s the good ole family motto "f***em".
Just heard a Harley passing, nice sound, so music that echo`s the heartbeat of a Harley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtDd5htZ_A8
Wednesday 9 March 2011
The 12th march
This forthcoming Saturday, a day I usually looked foreward to, my husband, the man I adore (no past tense as love has no expiry date) would have been 55 on the day of our wedding anniversary.
I went to the cemetery today and cried, I cry a lot, and lovely as it is out there in the open countryside, the sort of place he loved, the part of him that`s there isn`t ""my Cliffy". He`s here at home with me. So this Saturday I`ll be taking that new tube of Autosol out to the shed and will spend some time with Wobble our two wheeled mate and stuff the headphones, I`m gonna blast the hi-fi.
So just for you my fine figure of a man, one of your favs that you would have had your harmonica out to.
I went to the cemetery today and cried, I cry a lot, and lovely as it is out there in the open countryside, the sort of place he loved, the part of him that`s there isn`t ""my Cliffy". He`s here at home with me. So this Saturday I`ll be taking that new tube of Autosol out to the shed and will spend some time with Wobble our two wheeled mate and stuff the headphones, I`m gonna blast the hi-fi.
So just for you my fine figure of a man, one of your favs that you would have had your harmonica out to.
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