Grief

When Cliff died I was given lots of booklets, info etc on grief. Having read them all, the five stages of grief, my conclusion is that they`re crap. Grief is as individual as the person themselves, it has no rules or set patterns, it is an emotional see-saw of pain.

I can distract myself, fill time, sort of get on with life but how I hate these evenings. I chat to my Cliffy, I want to believe you`re still here in some way but what if you only live in my head now, the not knowing is tearing me apart, so is the fact that I`ll never really know.

I`m stuck, life goes on round me and I`m stuck. I should move on but I don`t want to, all these memories and hurt are all I`ve got left (good memories hurt too). Moving on means leaving you behind, I can`t do that to you.

My reality is that I`m surrounded by people but lonely because you`re not there to hold my hand anymore. Every night I seem to ask the same question "What the hell am I going to do now Cliffy, gimme a cuddle". (I miss cuddles, they make everything ok).