Tuesday, 6 September 2011

In Conclusion

When I started writing this blog I saw no end to the way I was feeling especially as a year on from Cliffs death I was if anything feeling worse. Time heals, it softens people would say but at that point I didn`t believe them because I just kept sinking lower and lower with what seemed no way out.

The future, the one I didn`t really want, the big empty hole I saw looming infront of me, I couldn`t face that feeling the way I did. So bit by bit I attempted to claw myself out, some things worked others didn`t at all.

I didn`t like the miserable person I`d become and as I slowly started to feel more like my old self became more determined as I`m a stubborn little sh**. I started to put my life in some sort of order again and became able to laugh (from the inside) like I used to.

Of course things still hurt, watching someone you love dying and then having to live without them is bound to have a lasting affect but now any grief is on my terms not overpowering the whole of my life.

So yes, time both heals and softens, though I wouldn`t wish the way I felt on my worst enemy, I`ve never ever felt pain like that before.

I`ve met a lot of women in their 30`s and 40`s who have also lost their husbands and yes, like me, mostly to cancer. They too have healed over time and have built new lives either alone or with new partners.

So if anyone who`s going through something similar should happen upon this please have a read through because sometime, somehow you`ll find the strength from who knows where to start to live again and actually enjoy breathing in and out.

This blog is me and my loss of Cliffy, it`s been 19 months since his illness started affecting my life in earnest but now I start on that new chapter with someone to hold my hand as I go. There`s nothing else to say here so maybe a happier blog is on it`s way.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Living Again

The acceptance finally dawned and with it the fact that I can`t live the rest of my life in the past, my old life with Cliff has gone forever as has he and no amount of tears are ever going to change a thing because there is nothing more final than death. The finality, the never ever, the letting go and the intense loneliness without him were the things which were the hardest to accept. I didn`t want to be here anymore, didn`t want to live without him but even that escape was impossible because I could never do that to the kids. So for the last year and a bit I`ve ran round and round in circles getting nowhere untill at last I felt able to say the thing that I`d never been able to before as I didn`t want to let go, I said "goodbye".

So now a new chapter begins, I`ve beautiful memories but now need and feel ready to start making new ones with the person who wants to share my future with me.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011


For a while now I`ve felt that I needed to start looking foreward but was stuck in the past and could see no further than the present. I couldn`t spend the rest of my life feeling and living like that but couldn`t see a way of separating the past from now and the years ahead.

Then it just came to me, all those feelings for Cliff and the life I once had. I knew those feelings would never  go away, so I put them all in a special place, somewhere I can visit when I choose but somewhere that doesn`t dominate my whole life and stops me moving on and having any kind of future.

After I was able to do this, I was able to smile and laugh without feeling guilty. After I was able to do this I was able to accept an invitation from a friend who has been enormously supportive, cheered me up and listened patiently on the phone while I felt like crying my eyes out.

So I finally managed to get my break away to the seaside where for the first time in a year and a half I felt like a normal person. The future, ahh the future.......we`ve even plans for that, Hazel, two years time, buy yourself a fancy hat

Friday, 5 August 2011


Now it`s holiday time with children off school and people off to sunny climes many of the usual volunteers at the shop have other commitments so having no commitments at all of my own was more than happy to do extra hours to cover.

I`m also zooming through my NVQ, being longwinded in my answers with pages rather than lines seems to be a plus point as I`m covering things not asked for yet and getting the credit points for them. On the practical side I wasn`t really looking forward to be shadowed for a day, the thought of being watched was bound to get me flustered but the assessor was very subtle and I forgot she was there.....so being a chatterbox again seemed to be an advantage in that I easily passed the Customer Service and Teamwork modules. Sale of Goods Act and Health and Safety this week....help my pens running out of ink!!!.....I think I`ll be finished this one soon and onto the next level. (I seem to have found my forte).

My own plans for getting away this summer have fallen on their face and never got passed the thinking about it stage, I don`t really mind as perhaps I`m not ready yet.

I made my very last mortgage payment this month, I thought I would be jumping up and down with excitement but I wasn`t. Being mortgage free was something that WE had looked forewards to, that WE would have jumped up and down to, Cliffy had missed out on that moment, so when "I" made that last payment I walked out of the bank and nearly cried.

On a nicer note I`ve met two more Classic Bike forum members over the last few weeks and again very nice people.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

A future

I realised I`d been spending a whole lot of time thinking about "Getting Over" everything that`s happened and even if I wanted to or not. I`m always going to miss Cliff, always going to love him and don`t want to "Get Over" him.

What I do want and at last think that I`m very slowly achieving is being able to live with it. I`m managing to think of a future for me, well sort of and only sometimes but it`s a start. I`m trying not to feel guilty when I`m having a laugh, he wouldn`t have wanted me to never laugh again and a far better stress reliever than medications.

I`m finding me again, mulling things over here has helped but it`s not really down to that, it`s people. The Classic bike forum members support, my followers here, Hazel who`s a lovely person, my piccy I love it, Simon who`s been in touch thank you so much for listening and sorry about your phone bill, Tim, called in for a cuppy and ended up helping in shed, thanks. The people I work with, many with problems of their own but who get on with it with smiles on their faces and the people who never let me pass in the street without a chat asking how I`m doing, they think I`m looking more like my old self these days.

I moan about people, everyone does but I think there`s a whole lot more good ones than bad and knowing that people care makes all the difference. Thank you people!!

Friday, 8 July 2011


This day at home has helped me make my mind up, I can`t stay here in this house, it may take a wee while to sort things out but I have to go. Again last night I didn`t sleep a wink, I sometimes last days before my minds exhausted enough to shut down for a bit. And it`s not just the livingroom, I realised today that I don`t really feel settled anywhere, think it`s because I was so very happy here and now I`m not.

I need to start again, I`ve lost count of the number of houses I`ve lived in over the years. This one with Cliff was the first to feel like a proper home without him it doesn`t, it`s just another house. I hate the thought of starting again at this point in my life. A lot of the time I can`t be bothered and it`s easy to sit and fester so I have to constantly shove myself to stop this happening.

For a while now I`ve been down sizing my junk, anything without a purpose or nice memory is gone (just how many fruit bowls does a person need!), I`ve been quite ruthless after all it`s only stuff, still a lot to go but in the end I should fit nicely into a small house.

Now I just need to figure out how to feel happy or even content again, yes I`m smiling again but under the surface still hurts. I also need to stop either dashing about babbling on a load of nonsense or sitting about doing nothing, I need some balance.

Doubt  that I`ll sleep tonight, eyes wide open, mind in overdrive, I`m back working tomorrow, good, I can focus there. But again no balance, I can`t fill my whole life working which is mostly what I`m doing, I need to find pleasure in doing social things again. And it`s all very well me sitting here talking about all this but I need to get up and do it, the hard part.

A Scenario

I wanted to mention this as even though it only affected me slightly (change of pension scheme a few years ago), it was something unforeseen when I handled probate but to others could have a huge impact.

So a scenario, you`re married and set up a pension, as in many relationships the woman deals with a lot of the paperwork so you don`t bother to read everything you sign as you naturally trust her. Then divorce, you remarry, you change the benefactor to your new wife.

But the pension provider doesn`t mention that this nomination is useless as the pension was written "In Trust" as he assumes you know this.

Those two little words, In Trust, set everything in stone as regards who any benefits are paid out to. You can of course move most, not always all, of the pension somewhere else before it matures. So basically read, small print and all, everything you sign.