This day at home has helped me make my mind up, I can`t stay here in this house, it may take a wee while to sort things out but I have to go. Again last night I didn`t sleep a wink, I sometimes last days before my minds exhausted enough to shut down for a bit. And it`s not just the livingroom, I realised today that I don`t really feel settled anywhere, think it`s because I was so very happy here and now I`m not.
I need to start again, I`ve lost count of the number of houses I`ve lived in over the years. This one with Cliff was the first to feel like a proper home without him it doesn`t, it`s just another house. I hate the thought of starting again at this point in my life. A lot of the time I can`t be bothered and it`s easy to sit and fester so I have to constantly shove myself to stop this happening.
For a while now I`ve been down sizing my junk, anything without a purpose or nice memory is gone (just how many fruit bowls does a person need!), I`ve been quite ruthless after all it`s only stuff, still a lot to go but in the end I should fit nicely into a small house.
Now I just need to figure out how to feel happy or even content again, yes I`m smiling again but under the surface still hurts. I also need to stop either dashing about babbling on a load of nonsense or sitting about doing nothing, I need some balance.
Doubt that I`ll sleep tonight, eyes wide open, mind in overdrive, I`m back working tomorrow, good, I can focus there. But again no balance, I can`t fill my whole life working which is mostly what I`m doing, I need to find pleasure in doing social things again. And it`s all very well me sitting here talking about all this but I need to get up and do it, the hard part.
Sue it's good that you've ID'd the problem and what to do about it. That seems to be the best solution....a fresh start so to speak away in a different setting away from painful memories.
ReplyDeleteKeep the things you cherish and flog or bin those that you can do without.