Very gradually this whole different life I`ve had to make for myself has brought back the old me and when surrounded by these new situations and people I seem to have found a way of moving forewords. I can talk about Cliff, our life together, the fun times, with a huge smile on my face without that sinking feeling inside. In the new life I`m also focusing more and more on the present and not dwelling in the past.
Then I come home, here I`m surrounded by the fact that Cliff isn`t here anymore. The empty chair opposite at mealtimes, the big empty cold bed, the quietness in the shed and the knowing that he`s never going to walk through that front door ever again no matter how much I want him to.
I`d had a nice day yesterday, I wouldn`t say I was blissfully happy but reasonably content, then I came home and it hit me. I felt guilty. I felt that by moving forewords, by trying to mend me that I was leaving Cliff behind, I felt that when I was out getting on with the new life that I was betraying him. (I do realise that this is totally unreasonable but it`s how I feel).
So at home I`m stuck in some sort of limbo, I feel awful here and a part of me doesn`t want to loose this as yearning for the past it`s all I`ve got left of him.
My life seems to have split off into two halves, wonder if they`ll ever get into sync.
Sorry for the test post - having huge difficulty in commenting at the time. Now I'll try and say what I posted earlier but it seemed to get abducted by aliens!
ReplyDeleteCliff loved/loves you. Mending yourself should mean being able to enjoy the happy memories. Cliff wouldn't want your memories of him to hurt you. He would want to be remembered as the man who loved you and who loves you still, as the man who made you smile, as the man who wanted you to always be happy. Mending you doesn't mean leaving him behind or betraying him - mending you means learning to remember him the way he would want to be remembered, treasuring that memory and sharing it with your new friends.