Why am I writng this, partly because there`s so much rattling round in my head that maybe writing some of it down will help make room for me again. I look in the mirror and all the sparkle that he loved has gone, he hated people with bland expressions and dead eyes.

Last year I thought by keeping myself busy, throwing myself into everything that I wouldn`t have time to think (wrong), that after some time had passed I`d not hurt so much (wrong). Yes, my stomach has stopped churning enough for me to eat again, I do get a few hours sleep a night and do all the everyday things needed to survive in this world but as time passes I miss him more and more.

So I pinned my hopes on councilling, maybe that would bring some normality back. The councillor who herself had never been married came out with cliches such as "you`ve got to more on" and "crying wont bring him back" (as if I didn`t know that one!) and "he didn`t pass away, he`s dead" (yes, that`s why I need you to try to help me).

My doctors solution was to offer me Diazepam which I refused as it`s a bit like putting a picture up to hide a damp patch which grows and festers underneath.

I did worry that I was feeling worse rather than better, that sometimes I felt I was losing the plot, then I remembered a quote from Robert Pirsig`s Lila. "If  there were only one person in the world, is there any way he could be insane? Insanity always exists in relation to others". So do I really care what society thinks, no not really, I don`t want their councilling or drugs, I`m not going to try to stop thinking about him just because it hurts, I`ll take one day at a time and go with the flow. Besides he told me he`d stick around and he never broke a promise, so he`s coming too. And if all else fails there`s the good ole family motto "f***em".

Just heard a Harley passing, nice sound, so music that echo`s the heartbeat of a Harley.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtDd5htZ_A8