But not deeper in debt! Infact I hate the thought of any kind of debt so much that I`ve been throwing every penny I can into the mortgage, I`ve squeezed things so tight that it`s make do and mend, I tended to do that anyway so don`t mind. The bank weren`t too pleased with my overpayments, "are you absolutely sure, you`re not leaving yourself much, you`ve years left to pay" they insisted. Yes, years worth of interest they`re not going to receive.
I did splash out on a new digital tv but only because the old one was on it`s last legs and we`re having the switchover in a few months. Only 26"" said the kids. I hate those mega huge tv`s especially as I hardly ever watch although there`s a lovely little show on at 5am called Wildlife SOS which I catch most mornings. I much prefer my dab radio, the mind can make much better pictures than a tv screen.
I look and feel ten years older rather than one, cigarettes, coffee, lack of sleep and the way I feel have all contributed. Life has become an effort rather than a joy. What now I think to myself, I`ll probably be here on my own in a couple of years, I`ve no ties to this place, I could go anywhere, not Scotland that`s going backward. Ah but memories, the house is full of them, maybe turning into a decrepit Miss Haversham is the way to go.
I feel sorry for myself then feel guilty and pathetic, what I`m going through is nothing compared to what Cliff faced both mentally and physically (we`ll make you comfortable with pain control is a lie). My councillor said she wasn`t going to take my grief away as without it I`d have nothing, mostly I feel that she was right.
No comments:
Post a Comment