Trying

I think it`s probably time I made more effort to start living again, I`ve got my smile back, am laughing but it`s a life I don`t really want, I had that but unless I put more effort in I`m going to go bonkers and the years ahead are going to drag past far too slowly.

I`m still very bitter and full of self pity. "Why me, why us". I`m not the sort of person to covet "stuff", all I ever wanted was for the kids to be happy and healthy and my Cliffy. So why did life have to come along and trample all over everything, why did I have to watch the man I adore suffer and die and now face a future without him.

And under any smiles and laughter there`s still all that hurt, it wont go away, I want to be able to think of him and not hurt so much, I need to be able to stop yearning for a life that I`ll never have again, for someone who`s gone forever, the forever bit makes me want to vomit.

I don`t know if I`ll ever be happy again on the inside but am giving myself a kick up the arse (he would have) and trying to live a little.