Living Again

The acceptance finally dawned and with it the fact that I can`t live the rest of my life in the past, my old life with Cliff has gone forever as has he and no amount of tears are ever going to change a thing because there is nothing more final than death. The finality, the never ever, the letting go and the intense loneliness without him were the things which were the hardest to accept. I didn`t want to be here anymore, didn`t want to live without him but even that escape was impossible because I could never do that to the kids. So for the last year and a bit I`ve ran round and round in circles getting nowhere untill at last I felt able to say the thing that I`d never been able to before as I didn`t want to let go, I said "goodbye".

So now a new chapter begins, I`ve beautiful memories but now need and feel ready to start making new ones with the person who wants to share my future with me.

Future

For a while now I`ve felt that I needed to start looking foreward but was stuck in the past and could see no further than the present. I couldn`t spend the rest of my life feeling and living like that but couldn`t see a way of separating the past from now and the years ahead.

Then it just came to me, all those feelings for Cliff and the life I once had. I knew those feelings would never  go away, so I put them all in a special place, somewhere I can visit when I choose but somewhere that doesn`t dominate my whole life and stops me moving on and having any kind of future.

After I was able to do this, I was able to smile and laugh without feeling guilty. After I was able to do this I was able to accept an invitation from a friend who has been enormously supportive, cheered me up and listened patiently on the phone while I felt like crying my eyes out.

So I finally managed to get my break away to the seaside where for the first time in a year and a half I felt like a normal person. The future, ahh the future.......we`ve even plans for that, Hazel, two years time, buy yourself a fancy hat

Lately

Now it`s holiday time with children off school and people off to sunny climes many of the usual volunteers at the shop have other commitments so having no commitments at all of my own was more than happy to do extra hours to cover.

I`m also zooming through my NVQ, being longwinded in my answers with pages rather than lines seems to be a plus point as I`m covering things not asked for yet and getting the credit points for them. On the practical side I wasn`t really looking forward to be shadowed for a day, the thought of being watched was bound to get me flustered but the assessor was very subtle and I forgot she was there.....so being a chatterbox again seemed to be an advantage in that I easily passed the Customer Service and Teamwork modules. Sale of Goods Act and Health and Safety this week....help my pens running out of ink!!!.....I think I`ll be finished this one soon and onto the next level. (I seem to have found my forte).

My own plans for getting away this summer have fallen on their face and never got passed the thinking about it stage, I don`t really mind as perhaps I`m not ready yet.

I made my very last mortgage payment this month, I thought I would be jumping up and down with excitement but I wasn`t. Being mortgage free was something that WE had looked forewards to, that WE would have jumped up and down to, Cliffy had missed out on that moment, so when "I" made that last payment I walked out of the bank and nearly cried.

On a nicer note I`ve met two more Classic Bike forum members over the last few weeks and again very nice people.