A future

I realised I`d been spending a whole lot of time thinking about "Getting Over" everything that`s happened and even if I wanted to or not. I`m always going to miss Cliff, always going to love him and don`t want to "Get Over" him.

What I do want and at last think that I`m very slowly achieving is being able to live with it. I`m managing to think of a future for me, well sort of and only sometimes but it`s a start. I`m trying not to feel guilty when I`m having a laugh, he wouldn`t have wanted me to never laugh again and a far better stress reliever than medications.

I`m finding me again, mulling things over here has helped but it`s not really down to that, it`s people. The Classic bike forum members support, my followers here, Hazel who`s a lovely person, my piccy I love it, Simon who`s been in touch thank you so much for listening and sorry about your phone bill, Tim, called in for a cuppy and ended up helping in shed, thanks. The people I work with, many with problems of their own but who get on with it with smiles on their faces and the people who never let me pass in the street without a chat asking how I`m doing, they think I`m looking more like my old self these days.

I moan about people, everyone does but I think there`s a whole lot more good ones than bad and knowing that people care makes all the difference. Thank you people!!

Balance

This day at home has helped me make my mind up, I can`t stay here in this house, it may take a wee while to sort things out but I have to go. Again last night I didn`t sleep a wink, I sometimes last days before my minds exhausted enough to shut down for a bit. And it`s not just the livingroom, I realised today that I don`t really feel settled anywhere, think it`s because I was so very happy here and now I`m not.

I need to start again, I`ve lost count of the number of houses I`ve lived in over the years. This one with Cliff was the first to feel like a proper home without him it doesn`t, it`s just another house. I hate the thought of starting again at this point in my life. A lot of the time I can`t be bothered and it`s easy to sit and fester so I have to constantly shove myself to stop this happening.

For a while now I`ve been down sizing my junk, anything without a purpose or nice memory is gone (just how many fruit bowls does a person need!), I`ve been quite ruthless after all it`s only stuff, still a lot to go but in the end I should fit nicely into a small house.

Now I just need to figure out how to feel happy or even content again, yes I`m smiling again but under the surface still hurts. I also need to stop either dashing about babbling on a load of nonsense or sitting about doing nothing, I need some balance.

Doubt  that I`ll sleep tonight, eyes wide open, mind in overdrive, I`m back working tomorrow, good, I can focus there. But again no balance, I can`t fill my whole life working which is mostly what I`m doing, I need to find pleasure in doing social things again. And it`s all very well me sitting here talking about all this but I need to get up and do it, the hard part.

A Scenario

I wanted to mention this as even though it only affected me slightly (change of pension scheme a few years ago), it was something unforeseen when I handled probate but to others could have a huge impact.

So a scenario, you`re married and set up a pension, as in many relationships the woman deals with a lot of the paperwork so you don`t bother to read everything you sign as you naturally trust her. Then divorce, you remarry, you change the benefactor to your new wife.

But the pension provider doesn`t mention that this nomination is useless as the pension was written "In Trust" as he assumes you know this.

Those two little words, In Trust, set everything in stone as regards who any benefits are paid out to. You can of course move most, not always all, of the pension somewhere else before it matures. So basically read, small print and all, everything you sign.

Thanks both

Thanks Hazel and Simon, other peoples input really helps because I sometimes can`t make sense of all the things in my head and especially when I`m feeling emotional don`t know if I`ve made a daft decision or not.

Yes Hazel I know he wouldn`t have wanted me misrable and stuck in a rut My new friends are nice and personality wise kind of like me so not exactly shrinking violets either so have brought me back out of myself. It`s just letting go has been so hard, I think I may be refusing invitations out in the evenings on purpose so I can sit at home and cling to the past. Part of me doesn`t want to let go but I can`t live the rest of my life feeling like this. I`m hoping that a new house may help and it was something we intended to do anyway.

It won`t be in the very near future as I`ve so much needing fixed here but now that the mortgage is paid I`m hoping to get things done over winter, unless a complete bargain came my way. Yes Simon bungalows are snapped up here very quickly, the only ones that sit unsold for a while are those with upstairs dormer extensions, probably because the older buyers don`t want stairs. There are a few of those for sale but they`ve been newly refurbished so even more expensive. How`s your friend coping as I`ve found this is the hardest thing I`ve ever had to go through? I could afford a flat but want something with a garden, I like to potter or take out frustrations by getting out the spade. I`d also need a shed, I always feel relaxed in there, a little escape den from everything. (but I`d rather have a big, huge shed!!).

I`m not sure if I`d stay locally, I do have to stay in town for at least a couple of years as youngest daughter has a place at college here plus I wouldn`t want to drag her away from her friends, not fair. My oldest spends half her time staying at her boyfriends Mums house (makes life easier as he lives way out in one of the villages that`s not on a bus route) and half they`re here but he`s off to uni in September. She`s just finished A-levels and is looking for a job hoping to save up while she decides whether to go to uni next year or not.

I start my NVQ tomorrow, I think I can take as many as I want upto management level, I`m quite excited and looking forewards to it....I love a challenge!!

House

I was reading what I said yesterday and have decided what I need to do next. It`s this house, I can`t move forewards here and it`s silly living in a house where I can`t stand to sit in my own livingroom, I only ever come in here to use the laptop or tidy, I never sit down on the sofa and relax because I hate it and what happened in here.

We`d always planned to move once the kids got older, somewhere smaller but with either a garage or enough space to build a big shed so I`m going to go ahead with that plan. I`ve glanced at properties in the paper and most small cottage/bungalows are more expensive than this. So once I fix this place up I`ll need to find something that`s also needing work done and is not bang up to date with a fancy kitchen and bathroom.

If nothing else all that will keep me busy for a while.

The present

Very gradually this whole different life I`ve had to make for myself has brought back the old me and when surrounded by these new situations and people I seem to have found a way of moving forewords. I can talk about Cliff, our life together, the fun times, with a huge smile on my face without that sinking feeling inside. In the new life I`m also focusing more and more on the present and not dwelling in the past.

Then I come home, here I`m surrounded by the fact that Cliff isn`t here anymore. The empty chair opposite at mealtimes, the big empty cold bed, the quietness in the shed and the knowing that he`s never going to walk through that front door ever again no matter how much I want him to.

I`d had a nice day yesterday, I wouldn`t say I was blissfully happy but reasonably content, then I came home and it hit me. I felt guilty. I felt that by moving forewords, by trying to mend me that I was leaving Cliff behind, I felt that when I was out getting on with the new life that I was betraying him. (I do realise that this is totally unreasonable but it`s how I feel).

So at home I`m stuck in some sort of limbo, I feel awful here and a part of me doesn`t want to loose this as yearning for the past it`s all I`ve got left of him.

My life seems to have split off into two halves, wonder if they`ll ever get into sync.