Doing something right

I must be doing something right as I found out yesterday that the charity is paying for me to do NVQ`s in retail. I did find it slightly amusing and ironic that I, someone who disapproves of the consumer society which has overtaken and gobbled up most of our traditional industries, (far too many old works sites turned into supermarkets or indoor shopping centres), that I am going to end up a shopping expert (tongue in cheek at "expert").

I`m actually very pleased, something else to get my teeth into and if it helps the charity I`m chuffed. I did sneak a look at the sales figures and mine were way higher than anyone else's (did i mention I love to WIN and in winning all forms of modesty go whizzing out the window!!).

I`m also very pleased that my youngest daughter has asked to help with the children's hospice fundraising. Tomorrow at school they have a celebration day to mark the end of most of their gcse`s. They get to wear fancy dress, outdoor buffet/party, free ice cream van etc. So she and her friends are heading off to school tomorrow, dressed as Robin Hood and his merry men, armed with lots of info, posters and collecting tins.

Why quite so much charity work, because it`s given me a purpose, without it all I could think of was "what the hells the point", I felt like an oxygen waster. Now at least my small contribution may be helping someone somewhere.

It`s been a tonic

Wow, I`ve just put a counter gadget on, came across it by chance when clicking things and can`t believe the amount of people who`ve visited, maybe not stayed but visited. I know I sometimes go on and on covering the same ground maybe more than once but that`s what`s going on in my head and doing this is my way of trying to sort things out a little because sometimes I can`t make sense of my little world and still mutter to myself "This wasn`t meant to be this way".

I`ve been thinking of my volunteering, especially the charity shop, I`ve pottered from job to job over the years and to be honest I`m enjoying this one the most. The people I work with and customers are all so nice and the fact I don`t get paid means I`m not waiting on that wage packet wondering how much the tax man has taken, I`m not working my arse off so someone else can enjoy big profits, much better giving my best to help people and last but not least I`m recycling!! I did intend to work behind the scenes but they sussed I`m a people person so find myself on the till quite a lot and although I never ever wanted to input data again they also sussed I wasn`t too bad at that and am doing the Gift Aid paperwork. To anyone who doesn`t already know, when donating anything to charity, either money or items, if you`re a tax payer, please register as a Gift Aid donor as the charity can claim back an extra 25% of donation from the tax man.

I`ve also noticed it`s only when I`m on my own with time to dwell that I sit mulling everything over and feel my stomach hit the floor, I wish I could remember without that happening as it`s a physical feeling that leaves you feeling empty and lost.

I don`t do it often but bought myself something. Last year I nearly ripped my arms off getting the 10ft hedge down to 5ft with my old loppers, as part two of hedge saga has begun (still had to stand on steps, so now getting it down to my cutting height) I invested in a set of Fiskars Geared Loppers, I love em!! 2"  thick branches, snip, gone! It`s going a treat, only problem is that the driveways filling up fast.

Saturday a year ago

It`s Saturday, just after 8.30am, I`d spent all night trying to get a doctor, you couldn`t breath properly, I`d half carried you out of bed onto the sofa, I was so scared. A knock at the door, she said to say goodbye, she held your hand, she was oh so subtly taking your pulse, so kind of her to make it look unclinical. Bigger gaps then quiet as I said goodbye, I hope you heard me. She left us alone, More goodbyes and without the pain you looked like Cliffy again.

I didn`t feel like I had a broken heart, it felt totally destroyed, still is but you would have hated the miserable me. I can hear the part of you who`s  still with me, "I`ll put you over me knee if you don`t cheer up" you`d say. The tears come when I`m alone chatting to you in the evenings, remembering but the rest of the time I`m managing to wear a smile, although I don`t think I`ll ever stop missing you, "Love you too Cliffy!".

We played this at our wedding when signing the register, not the usual mushy ballads people have at these occasions, it made most of them laugh. So go on sing your heart out Janis.

Trying

I think it`s probably time I made more effort to start living again, I`ve got my smile back, am laughing but it`s a life I don`t really want, I had that but unless I put more effort in I`m going to go bonkers and the years ahead are going to drag past far too slowly.

I`m still very bitter and full of self pity. "Why me, why us". I`m not the sort of person to covet "stuff", all I ever wanted was for the kids to be happy and healthy and my Cliffy. So why did life have to come along and trample all over everything, why did I have to watch the man I adore suffer and die and now face a future without him.

And under any smiles and laughter there`s still all that hurt, it wont go away, I want to be able to think of him and not hurt so much, I need to be able to stop yearning for a life that I`ll never have again, for someone who`s gone forever, the forever bit makes me want to vomit.

I don`t know if I`ll ever be happy again on the inside but am giving myself a kick up the arse (he would have) and trying to live a little.

Next weekend

I`ve been dreading next weekend, it`ll have been a year since Cliff died. I wasn`t sure what to do with myself that day, I was probably going in to work to try not to think about it too much. Then I saw in the paper that the local VMCC will be displaying bikes along the high street, ah Karma, very apt, so I`ll head off for a gander and a chat. I`m hoping there`s a Velocette there (very classy and I`ve a picture of one on my wall), that was one in our wish list and when he was in hospital asked me to wave down the chap who rides round town on one and request if Cliff could have a ride (on back as he was too ill to ride) but we didn`t have enough time.

The weekend after I`ve had a very kind invitation for a couple of days away for bank holiday so need to let my hair down and laugh a little although I suspect a little "shed envy" may set in although I`ve been thinking of extending mine.

It`s finally worked

When Cliff first died I was haunted with images of him looking ill and thin, not what he really looked like, not how he`d want me to remember him, not what I wanted to remember. So I looked out some photos which I had slightly enlarged, the one at the start of this blog was one, Cliff happy in his shed and another in his favourite scruffy shorts (threadbare they`re one of my prized possessions). I don`t usually frame photos but did and put them by the bed (and yes, I still say "night night"").

It`s taken all this time but at last I can`t picture him looking ill, now I see my big hunky husband again with that devilishly naughty twinkle in his eye. "Result!!!".

My heads still all over the place, emotions still up and down but I appear to be making some very small steps in the right direction.

Strange I can write all this down but not talk to anyone in depth, think it`s because I start crying and I hate crying infront of anyone, Cliffy was the only person I could ever really share things like that with. I phone Mum regularly (but she`s her own health problems to deal with) but the rest of my family aren`t close, very occasional phone calls and cards at Christmas.

Not alone

It`s so easy to get caught up in the "Why us" roundabout, everyone else seems to be happily getting on with life without a care or worry while I feel like I`m stuck in a rut. Of course this is far from the truth as at work two other women have lost their husbands to cancer, one younger than me. In company I don`t look miserable, I still chat away and laugh and make ridiculously bad jokes, so to a stranger I too look like I don`t have a care. What I`m realising is that death, or illness or worry of some kind or another has visited everyone and you just have to deal with and get on with it. Dealing with it has however been very hard.

And now just because I like it.