Happy bunny

Finally got some sleep but only a few hours and at totally the wrong time. By the time I got home, grabbed a sandwich and did some stuff like washing dishes and filling the washing machine (who says I don`t know how to have a good time!) I settled down with a book and fell asleep at around 8pm, it`s now midnight and I`m wide awake. These strange sleep patterns with a few hours here and there leave me feeling like I`m living in the twilight zone as I`m never having the x amount of hours sleep a body needs.

My life may all be a bit of a shambles but these`s one thing I always keep in order, finances. I think it`s because I was brought up with the, you don`t spend what you don`t have mentality. My only debt is the mortgage and I wanted rid of it as quickly as possible. What happened to Cliff made me think that if anything was to ever happen to me that the kids would be left with that debt. The payments were all recalculated last year and I could have made very small payments over the next 13 years but I didn`t want that. So worked out a very strict budget and I`ve lived hand to mouth so I could pay as much as possible every month. The bank said I was being unrealistic but I went ahead.

My visit to the bank at lunchtime today confirmed what I thought, after tomorrows payment I only owe £400, which will be paid in August and I`m done, roof over kids heads will be secure!! Well chuffed. My mortgage advisor, she`s very nice, said she`d eat her words cos she didn`t think I`d be able to survive on so little. Now, in August I`ll get my new will written up, minus inclusion of the Halifax and I`ll not owe anybody anything, phew! Now I can concentrate on saving up and doing all the repairs the house is needing done.

We`d planned to take off on the bike last summer, going to fav places, rallies etc now the kids were grown up we`d be able to go off for a few weeks but hey-ho maybe best not to make plans.

I think the last time I owned a pair of leather jeans was back in 1990, it`s probably bad but since then just wore jeans on a bike. I`ve got a really decent leather jacket but keep stitching the old scruffy one back together, I should really bin it as the fasteners on neck are falling off and rusty cos it`s so old.

Insomnia

I`m prattling on a lot as I`ve been at home for the last couple of days and the house has been very quiet. Last week I was tripping over teenagers, this week my oldest daughter is off staying at her boyfriends Mum and Dads and youngest is mostly out with her friends, I`m glad they`re off out enjoying life. I just miss having someone to talk to and as I can`t seem to switch off these days this helps get some things out that keep rattling round my head. Some of it has been sort of me thinking out loud, trying to figure things out or make some sort of sense of it all. I try so hard to just go with the flow but all this stuff won`t go away. that`s why I like being at work, there I`m so busy I don`t have time to think and can be the old me for a while. Strange that I`m meticulously tidy and organised at work yet at home can`t even be bothered to dust. The little flat I had when I was young was tidier than this.

I`m back at work tomorrow through to Monday so some of this tension I`m feeling will ease. I really like the people I work with, most like me have some sort of reason for being there, whither it be illness, disability or grief and like me leave their problems at home and just get on with it with a smile, we actually all have a great laugh together, the fact that they can deal with their problems in this way, working to help others, has helped me with mine, very refreshing.

There`s a mug in the shop I`ve got to buy, on one side it says "Old Farts Club" and on the other "I`d rather be 40 than pregnant", any of the lady customers of a certain age always have a laugh at it, I want it, I want to be officially an old fart!! And yes, all my customers are lovely and nice and like a wee chat. Very broad spectrum, one woman came in with donation bags, turned out she was the president of the local branch of the red cross, a minor coup as I persuaded her to become a gift aider despite supporting another charity. When she left I noticed in the "title" box of the form "Lady" hmm never met a Lady before, she was actually very down to earth.

I hauled my biking gear out from under the stairs, it was all covered with cobwebs with creepy crawlies in my boots! My helmet is ancient, I`d always meant to get a replacement visor as it`s got a large scrape (not cracked through)  right down the front but perhaps I`m needing a whole new helmet as it`s so old. Just thought of the most stupid thing I`ve ever done on a bike, many many moons ago a boyfriend took me to a party on his bike, high heels (I used to want to be taller) and lycra frock is not exactly adequate protection and lycra slides all over the seat....I was a twat!!

Talking of frocks, a friend is going to a gothic wedding and having a black velvet dress made, I`m jealous, I always wanted a Morticia Adams frock!

2am, not tired, I could probably ramble on all night but wont. Another thought, I know lots of people and lots of invites for girls nights out (drew the line at line-dancing though) but Cliff was my best friend, everyone needs someone they`re able to pour their hearts out to, can talk about anything with as well as fun times. I`m not close to my family and wouldn`t burden the kids, I think I need a best friend (now for the bad joke), maybe I`ll check out e-bay!!

I`ve just noticed the Latin in your comment Simon. There were two routes to becoming a prefect at my old school, one was to take Latin the other was if your Dad had a "profession". I failed on both counts in that Art & Design, History and the Sciences were my favourite subjects (I escaped latin) and Dad worked in heavy engineering, Machining, so boiler suit rather than shirt and tie. My chances of becoming a prefect were "Doomed" (Private Frazer accent). So I had to google translate!!!

Just a blether

Yes, laser eye surgery, I`ve considered that but don`t think I`m brave enough as the what if something goes wrong question keeps popping into my head. My Mums nearly lost her sight now, she had laser surgery for her cataracts as everyone kept saying what a great difference it made. However she also has glaucoma so when the cataracts were removed, the glaucoma was so advanced it made no difference. Because glaucoma may run in families I qualify for free eye tests because of this and am over 40, this includes field vision, where I have to stare ahead and press buttons when I see dots at side of vision, they also shoot a short sharp blast of air onto my eye to measure the pressure, "don`t blink" he says, argh very hard when you know whats coming.

Mum also has severe arthritis, she`s had both her hips replaced but it`s in her spine, infact most of her joints. Before I moved south I used to care for her and went in daily, now my sister does with the added help of carers to help her get dressed in the morning and bed at night as she`s determined that she doesn`t want to leave her own home.

Over 40, couple of years and I`ll be 50 doesn`t time fly. me, I see it as a number and don`t give a toss, my sister however dreads these birthdays and looking old. So a couple of years ago on her birthday, one she was dreading I gave her a mug with an especially large 40 on it! (wicked maybe, funny, yes!!).

I`m amazed at the amount of money some women spend on their quest for youth, lotions and potions all with empty promises and large price tags. Our town is awash with beauty salons where you can botox your wrinkles away or even worse some women I know send their husbands to be waxed, yuk, men are meant to be furry, oops brakes on cos that`s a whole different subject <grin>.

Anyway, I`m going to make an appointment at another optician today, I`ll take the offending pair and see what they say about the prescription, quite nice frames, brushed stainless.

Reply to Simon

I still can`t access "comments" but answering this way is fine.

The glasses issue, when I picked them up I noticed that I coudn`t focus right but was told that I`d get used to them. So I tried wearing them round the house but basically they made me feel dizzy. They also don`t fit right, they hurt the bridge of my nose (that`s my fault though, bone isn`t right due to accident when young) and the legs are far too long. I`ve a small head and the optician bent the legs so they fitted my ears but when I tried them on with my helmet the excess leg length pushed them so far forwards they fell off my nose.

So I`m going to book an appointment with another optician because I would fail the CBT eye test otherwise. I`ve noticed that when I wear sunglasses under my helmet they tend to mist up, so wondered if that was a problem with glasses wearers, does your partners glasses mist up Simon?

I absolutely love the sound of engines, if I see a bike goung round the roundabout at the bottom of my street I`ve got to stop so I can listen to it pulling out and if I hear something interesting going down or climbing the hill outside just have to hang out of my bedroom window to listen, they sound especially good at night when all`s quiet. The Morini used to live in my shed (the extension), we started him up in there and boy did he growl. (before new roof so surprised it didn`t cave in).

Whereas Wobble loves distances, doesn`t mind sweeping bends, he doesn`t like tight corners so a small shed mate, something fun for country lanes was always on the cards. Cliff like you was an MZ fan but that Trophy headlamp. ""But it`s the best bit, a functional design feature Susie" he`d say. "Yes, very art deco but it looks out of proportion.....and I don`t like it, perhaps a reshape" says I grinning and waving a hacksaw around. (Hmmm, just thought , maybe it looks more Bauhaus?). Strangely I love art deco and watch old Agatha Christie films just to look at the buildings.

DUF, number plate was bought and still lives in Devon near Barnstable.

Bloody hell I don`t half go on, so to summarise, I miss everything about biking, so will get off me bum and book appointment to get eyes sorted out.

Clipping doggies and motorcycles....plus afterthought

Yes it`s doggie clipping day. The old wahl set couldn`t hack it as Doogie dog has a very thick wiry coat with a felt like fluffy one underneath leading to the clippers overheating and clogging in minutes. So today I`m trying out the new heavy duty ones (there`s even blades available for horses and sheep so I`m assuming they`ll tackle the job}. She loves having a trim and is so relaxed, usually ends up snoring.

Me next, annual trim on Tuesday, just enough so I can see where I`m going and it takes less than half hour to dry, I`ve never liked hairdressers!!

I`m still dithering over whether to do CBT training or not. Now it`s summer the bikes are out in force. I see them and think of nice summer breezes with visor up bumbling round our country roads. I know what I like and see something and think "aren`t you a beauty". Then I hear them out and about, some engines just sound plain horny, especially when they growl or duff, dufff, duffff. Our friends R80 project (Wobble #2) reg number is DUF!

I do need distance glasses for driving but the ones I got from Specsavers are as much use as a chocolate fireguard in that far distances are great but anything closer than say a roads width is a blur, I think I need to try another optician as since my eye test I heard our local specsavers has a dodgy reputation. Another consideration is that my concentration levels can vary with my recent emotional up`s and down`s, then again having something I have to focus on 100% may help.

But as with a lot of things lately, I dunno!

Had an idea and looked up residential courses which would tie in nicely with wanting a break, the one that leads to a restricted licence, plenty available but the accommodation prices are far too steep. I`ve popped round to the community centre a few times as they do CBT in the car park there, wanted a chat with the bloke that runs it but he`s never there. Don`t blame him really last time I went round the fire brigade were putting out a Honda that had been set alight, strangely outside the community centre is one of the places the chavs hang out!

Cancer

I`m going to write about Pancreatic Cancer today because although it rates amongst the biggest killers I feel it has the least publicity. Others are fairly detectable, there are routine scans or tests offered so are found in the early stages, especially cancers that affect women. They are also treatable in that survival rates are increasing all the time.

The early symptoms of Pancreatic Cancer are very vague and whilst the tumour is confined to the pancreas itself nothing shows up in the routine liver function blood test given for pain and digestive problems in the abdominal area.

It is only when symptoms become severe and IF the GP repeats the blood test and/or sends the patient for an Ultra Sound scan that abnormalities are found. However these abnormalities show up in the liver which means the cancer has by now spread and once in the liver it very quickly invades most of the major organs.

It is the CT scan that eventually shows the tumour in the pancreas followed by biopsies to confirm. By this time however in all but 4% of patients it`s too late. Chemotherapy may add a few months to someones life but unless the patient is one of the 4% the failing internal organs mean little quality of life as food eaten is not digested leading to dramatic weightloss and the toxins from the failing liver poison the brain, not forgetting the intense pain despite increasingly larger doses of morphine.

A fair amount of research has and continues to be done into treatments to prolong life but I feel this is like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Even the most competent GP is hardly going to send a patient for a CT scan in those early stages before other avenues have been investigated and as I said those other avenues are only going to show problems once it`s too late. Basically researchers have to find a way of detecting the tumour before the cancer spreads, a routine test that can be carried out quickly and cheaply (alas).

Our GP could probably not have saved Cliffs life but he refused an Ultra Sound during the couple of months we begged for one despite Cliffs very obvious failing health and pain. Cliff had to collapse before he was taken to hospital and tests undertaken, two months of suffering that could have been avoided.

My GP surgery keep suggesting that perhaps I`d feel more comfortable signing up with another surgery as it would be less upsetting. Yes, sitting in that waiting room makes my eyes water, I`ve a different doctor but every time the gp in question calls in a patient I make sure he looks me in the eye. Revenge, maybe, but Cliff asked me to make sure he didn`t do the same to someone else, so I`m there as a constant reminder to him, I may have to sit and gulp back tears but I`m going nowhere!

Clip

Our friend Pete has just sent me a small video clip of Cliffy, my heads all over the place jumping from happy to sad. The clip is him to a tee, such an expressive face and that cheeky naughty boy look he had, I`m smiling now thinking how he was so damn CUTE and being able to hear his voice again, I never thought I would! 

Lets have a song.

From the past

At the get-together the other evening several volunteers brought their spouses and one of these kind of knocked me sideways as I`d thought I`d never have to see her again. When she arrived I knew her face but couldn't place it, dead fish eyes I thought so knew she was someone I didn`t exactly like.

She came over "Would you prefer if I left" she said. Ah, the dull monotone voice, click, I knew exactly who she was. Feelings of nausea as memories flooded back, salty taste in mouth but deep breath to stop any tears. "No, I don`t want you to leave, all that was dealt with and finished now". I was civil to her but nothing more, I no longer hated her but that woman's in the wrong job.

I`d always held McMillan nurses in the highest regard, I`d had one of my own once and she was lovely. She listened, explained and arranged transport for me, practical and emotional advice plus what`s also needed, empathy. The lady above was Cliffs McMillan nurse, she had none of those qualities, she didn`t give crucial information despite me asking for it, broke promises and caused undue suffering due to her management of end of life care. She was part of the complaint I made regarding most of the NHS services we encountered.

But all that`s finished and hopefully my relentless complaining changed some things for the good. I`d always put the NHS and McMillan on a pedestal but as in life there`s good AND bad.

Home

Had a few days at home catching up on things that had been waiting a while to be done. The nine new fence panels are now weatherproofed, the very dry wood just soaked the stain in so it took me ages. So I am now hankering after one of those spray-on gadgets for next time, it`s on my list underneath powerwasher.

The hedge is at last finished, me height. Now comes the fortnightly squashing as much as possible into the bin to try to clear the drive, couple of months ought to do it. During cutting my Irish neighbour turned up with his bin and took root (alcoholics make very boring conversation), he started raking about in my hedge, turned out he`d hid one of his 2L bottles of cheap and nasty fizzy cider in there so his equally thirsty girlfriend didn`t drink it. He`s a harmless sort of guy but starting to get on peoples nerves. (it also sticks in my throat that he sits on his arse all day drinking my and others tax money).

Another busy week ahead with a get-together with other charity workers Thursday evening, I may skip the invitation to Bingo though, never been before but no skill involved so no pleasure in winning.

Being at home for a few days has unsettled me again, at home I`m so aware of who`s missing, the only way I seem to be dealing with this is to almost just have home as a base and be out doing stuff all the time, how quickly a home turns into a mere house.

Grief

When Cliff died I was given lots of booklets, info etc on grief. Having read them all, the five stages of grief, my conclusion is that they`re crap. Grief is as individual as the person themselves, it has no rules or set patterns, it is an emotional see-saw of pain.

I can distract myself, fill time, sort of get on with life but how I hate these evenings. I chat to my Cliffy, I want to believe you`re still here in some way but what if you only live in my head now, the not knowing is tearing me apart, so is the fact that I`ll never really know.

I`m stuck, life goes on round me and I`m stuck. I should move on but I don`t want to, all these memories and hurt are all I`ve got left (good memories hurt too). Moving on means leaving you behind, I can`t do that to you.

My reality is that I`m surrounded by people but lonely because you`re not there to hold my hand anymore. Every night I seem to ask the same question "What the hell am I going to do now Cliffy, gimme a cuddle". (I miss cuddles, they make everything ok).

Comments

This is a terrible way to have to answer comments but I still can`t comment as me.

Yeah Tim it is good, I`ve been to the museum several times. once when our mate was in plaster after having his leg rebuilt (roundabout and vintage motorcycle collision). I remember we had a great deal of pleasure (perhaps piss-taking) when he had to use the chair lift thingy to get him and wheelchair up to cafe. (there was an extra up/down control just where we were standing, great fun!!).

Although we don`t have a train station (seemingly closed years back, where the tracks used to run are now cycle-ways), the nearest is only an hours bus journey away, so I could head anywhere really. Just  that when you`ve got to change trains with only a few mins to find your connection and in those big stations every train company have their own rep all in different colour blazers and you can`t find the right one to ask which platform you`re meant to be on. Birmingham station, first time there I remember being lost in that dark rabbit warren of a place, hunting down a platform, it was a Saturday tea-time, place was crowded with shoppers and football fans. I did make my connection but only just and now try to avoid the place. (small town girl, who`s used to a place with two platforms where friends Dad did the shunting).

The outcome will probably be that I can`t decide where to go, the weeks will fly by, it will be Autumn and I won`t have gone anywhere yet. I also find the thought of going off for a week on my own a bit strange. Haha, I know, one of those Saga holidays (wonder if I`m old enough yet??!!). Only kidding.

Break

I`m thinking I`m needing a break away, though not to foreign climes. Everyone seems to be heading off on holiday and coming back showing off their tans but the sunbathing thing isn`t for me I`d get bored sitting about by a pool all day. Devon would be the first choice, I could go for a paddle but that was our place and I can`t go back, at least not yet. Then there`s Cornwall, never been, we were going to go there together last summer, so another place I can`t face yet. Maybe get the maps out tonight and see, mental note, avoid travel that involves Birmingham railway station as I get hopelessly lost in there. (in general my sense of direction is terrible).

The vast amount of jobs needing done round the house have come to a standstill, I`ve not being sitting about on my bum I`ve just been so busy with other things. Talking of bums, another mental note, do not wear low cut jeans that are now a bit too big and short tops to work, my manager said every time I bent over I was frightening customers away, <laughs>, well they shouldn`t be looking.

This year

I don`t feel like saying much today, this last year without Cliffy has been hell. I`m putting every effort into living again because I have to but if fate knocked on my door and said I was going to be knocked over by a bus tomorrow I`d secretly feel relieved.

A few words I heard on the radio kind of say it all.

"Where have you been all my life"....."Waiting"
"Why"......"Because I didn`t belong anywhere until I met you"

Another small step

Decided I needed to get out of the house in the evenings so had a girly night out with a couple of the girls from work as a sort of entertainment thing was on. A lot of the women were flirting with the entertainer as he cracked his jokes but we thought he looked a bit like a younger version of Elton John, except with a mullet haircut and he was wearing those silly long pointed shoes the shops are full of that curl up at the toes and make people look like Sideshow Bob.

The two girls chatter away as much as me and we had a good laugh ( they`re my age so "girls" is stretching reality a bit but sometimes being a grown-up is dull as dishwater!!). Strangely all three of us have lost husbands, my manager who`s husband was also a biker died when she was only in her thirties so we kinda "understand" each other.

Another woman I hadn`t seen for months pinged out of nowhere and gave me a hug saying she thought I was looking a lot better than last time we met. I still think I look haggard but maybe not quite so much, smiling more helps but still being up and about at this time, 2.45am, doesn`t. I still hate going to bed, it`s all big, cold and empty.

Comments

Sorry I`ve not being answering comments lately, I`m unable to comment as each time I try it asks for log in, then starts to go round in circles, seems a cache.cookie or browser problem according to other bloggers so will be trying to sort it out.

As for seagulls, my little town in clip used to have seagull egg removals as the vast amount of droppings were coating buildings.

Also I appreciate support re how I`m doing, job etc given in comments. I`ve worked in retail before, loved my customers but sometimes when things became slow it got a bit tedious but this is so varied and the shops always busy with either customers or donations arriving. I was chatting to an old academic gentleman the other day, he was on the hunt for any books to do with Bletchley Park.

"Are you from Somerset" he asked in a thick Eire accent (I was a bit dumbfounded at that one??!!). When I told him where I was from we got onto the Scottish education system which from experience I must say is far better than in England.  In Scotland the kids had nightly reading homework, with diarys so parents could comment on how things were going, any concerns etc with the teacher adding her thoughts alongside. Basically the kids got lots of reading practise with fewer falling through the net and ending up leaving school with literacy problems.

On the other hand when I started secondary school back in the 1970`s it was all a bit daunting. An ex grammer school, very formal, with dark oak panelling, huge prizewinners boards dominating the staircases and teachers with black cloaks and mortar board hats peering over large wooden desks. We sat in rows, alphabetical order and in silence, anyone who`s had a short, thick three pronged leather belt whacked down on their hands will realise why.

These days my daughter says half the lesson is spent with the teacher trying to get the kids to sit down and pay attention, those who wonder out of lesson and/or school are chased by security with walky-talkies (health and safety issue more than educational, as school would be sued if say they were run over during school hours).

Is it the parents or the teachers who perhaps have given up due to the stress of it all (little teaching, handouts are now the norm). Is it children having children, or even that when I had my kids discipline was almost frowned upon, my own experience of softly softly didn`t work, the old saying "give them an inch" is more than true.

Personally I think there needs to be balance, you shouldn`t dread going to school but neither should it be a playground where you sit and text your friends in other classrooms

Oops!! I only meant to say thanks to my supporters but once I start to waffle on!

Open book

Here I am surrounded by rolling hills and thatched cottage villages at every turn, it`s lovely but on browsing You tube I found the two things I miss about home or should I say my former home.

The sea, although I don`t miss those freezing biting winds that stung the fingers, toes and ears despite being well wrapped up in winter woollies.

And those wide open spaces just a few miles inland.

I won`t be moving back but whether I stay here or move on is a bit of an open book.